Dudes’ Night

Chelsea Hetelson, contributor

Ladies, have you ever been to a Ladies’ Night? A night out with friends at some sausage fest place, like a sports bar, to score some watered-down sugary cocktails that are free to your wallet, but not so free to your freedom. Your presence equates your consent to the unspoken agreement of payment for drinks not in dollars, but in attention, dancing and vagina to any guy who decides to strike up a conversation. Otherwise, you’re a prudish bitch. Seems like a fair trade to me, but a quick glance at Wikipedia shows there’s plenty of court precedents that suggest otherwise.

Like many lady-centered issues, we are always compelled to ask, “But how does this affect all the dudes?”

Isn’t it sexist against the dudes to have Ladies’ Nights where ladies get in or drink for free but dudes still have to pay the full price? Dudes definitely want all the ladies to come gather at their favorite bars so they can ogle and hit on them and make a chick’s night by giving her all the attention, no doubt, without having to go out searching for them, but like, why should they get to pay less? This seems like an obvious abuse of power by the ladies that’s gone far enough.

It’s high time we see the implementation of Dudes’ Night, a night where dudes get the special treatment of getting in for free AND make a chick’s night by giving her all the attention, no doubt. Since Ladies’ Nights traditionally happen in assumed “male” spaces, like sports bars and steakhouses, Dudes’ Nights should occur in similarly assumed “female” spaces, like The Grocery Store or The Kitchen Sink or That Closet Where the Vacuum Is. Since none of these “female” spaces are really a nighttime hangout equivalent to the sports bar or steakhouse (and since there are no known nighttime hangout spaces that are considered completely safe for women), Dudes’ Night will simply have to become Dudes’ Day.

On Dudes’ Day men will receive the privilege of entering these “female” spaces absolutely free of charge. Men should feel empowered by taking part in Dudes’ Day. Getting in for free will make him feel special, and you know how dudes love to feel special.

Once through the pearly gates of The Grocery Store, just like women are rated by men for hotness at Ladies’ Nights, men will be rated by women for usefulness, from “No Scrubs” to “Best Thing I Never Had.” But first the dudes will be wooed by the free Miller Light and the all-you-can-eat buffet. Then when they’re good and greased, ladies can come out of their chosen hiding spots decided upon as to best not distract during the feeding frenzy, and sidle on over to the man of their choosing, most likely a Perfect 10. The Perfect 10 is a man capable of opening jars, having great one-night-stand sex, and will not be weird if this does not continue. Just as men can determine the woman of their affections by the kind of dress she wears, women can pick this Perfect 10 man out just by the way he eats his wings and doesn’t wipe his hands on his pants.

Dudes’ Night will be celebrated by women and men alike. Finally, men will get to feel like equals, accessing female spaces free of charge and women will have their only safe female spaces infiltrated by all the men — just like they’ve always wanted.


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