Adam Jacobs, contributor
It’s hard out here for a pimp, so imagine how hard it is for an underemployed comedian living in a big city. Week to week we struggle to make ends meet, so some of us are forced to “go shopping” in less traditional ways. Some people work second jobs to put food on their family’s tables, and the rest of us just eat garbage. Recycling is encouraged, but for some reason dumpster diving is frowned upon. Here is my divine guide to dumpster diving with dignity, you fellow dirtbags.
Rule #1 Don’t dive where you reside.
Respect your neighbor’s privacy and stay outta their garbage. Instead, make up some bullshit about donating recycling to charity, put up a sign by the mailbox… they will literally give you all the goods. Plus, do you really want that hot coed next door to see you rooting through her sexy-ass garbage?
Rule #2 Don’t wear a mask
You aren’t the Hamburglar and you aren’t breaking the law, so ditch the mask and dive with your head held high — also, breathe deep and get high on the insane combination of possibly lethal fumes.
Rule #3 Rich people have rich garbage
This is pretty self-explanatory, ya dingus: stay outta your poor-ass neighborhood and head to the “nice” part of town. In my experience, rich people don’t give a fuck and just throw hella good stuff away. Same rule goes for Halloween. Big houses = BIG CANDY BARS.
Rule #4 Dumpster diving restaurants gets dirty
Prepare to have marinara sauce up in your nether regions. Restaurant dumpsters are the worst: prepared food all mixed together, old mixed with new, rats and other critters; yet that combination of aromas is quite enticing. Just dive in headfirst with mouth open if you are adventurous; a delightful mouthful awaits.
Rule #5 Grocery stores are goldmines
The best bet for food is always grocery stores, because those dipshits throw everything away. Don’t look at expiration dates; those are for normies… us dumpster-divers live by a different code, which is basically a code where expiration dates don’t stop us from eating expired meat.
Rule #6 Street furniture is dope but most likely infested with bugs
Wood and metal furniture found on the street is fine, but almost everything with fabric can or will kill you. Bed bugs are the worst, so my advice is set that motherfucking couch ablaze. Whatever isn’t torched is cool to bring inside.
Now you can dive with dignity and be proud of your dirtbaggery.