If Eazy Did It

 With Special Contributor Marshall Boyett

It was a sad day in March of 1995 — one of West Coast gangster rap’s pioneers died. eazy-e started with nWA and then split to go solo, but died too young and never got a chance to move on to that next level, like his former homeboy ice Cube. But what if he hadn’t died? What if he had lived and went on to make movies like ice-t, Common and ice Cube? What kind of movies would they be? We know.

Eazier by the Dozen – 2003 The Bakers, a family of 12, move from small-town Illinois to Compton after Tom Baker gets his dream job of mackin’ hos. Meanwhile, his bitch also realizes her dream of getting her book published. While she’s away promoting the book, Tom has a hard time keeping the house in order while at the same time clockin’ Gs, as the once-happy family starts falling apart.

The Eazy Professor – 1996 Sherman Klump is an incredibly phat and good- hearted man. He is a college professor on the verge of a breakthrough in DNA restructuring when he meets a skeezer named Carla, who is a teacher new to Klump’s college. He is enamored of her, but is frustrated by his tremendous bulk and all the biters hatin’ his game. He then decides to test on himself a formula on which he’s been working. He is then transformed into the lecherous swinger Buddy Love and romantic complications ensue.

Eazy in Wonderland – 2010 Eazy, an unpretentious 19-year-old, is betrothed to a dumbass English bitch. At his engagement party, he escapes the crowd to consider whether to go through with the marriage or skip the fuck out of town on his ‘64. He falls down a hole in the garden after spotting an unusual rabbit. Arriving in a strange and surreal place called “Underland,” he finds himself in a world that resembles the nightmares he had as a child: filled with talking animals, villainous queens and knights, and frumious bandersnatches. Eazy realizes that he is there for a reason — to conquer the horrific Jabberwocky and restore the rightful queen to her throne. Spoiler alert: In the end, he swears off coco blunts for the rest of his life.

I am Eazy – 2007 It is the year 2012 in the ruins of New York City. Robert Neville, a military scientist, is the lone survivor of a biochemical disease which was supposed to cure cancer three years prior. With only bloodthirsty zombies and skeezers as his neighbors and his trusty dog, Samantha, Robert is trying to discover a cure for this disease and find any other people who might have also survived so he can pull a train on them.

Eazy vs. Predator – 2004 An expedition of archaeologists on Earth discover an Aztec temple hidden under the Antarctic circle, housing a host of bomb-ass motherfuckers. A group of coming-of-age Predators have also come from the temple, as it has long been a training ground for their race. From there on, it’s Eazy vs. Predators, with the humans caught in the middle.

Are We Eazy Yet? – 2005 The fledgling romance between Eazy, a bomb-ass pimp, and Suzanne, a divorced mother of two, is threatened by a particularly harrowing New Year’s Eve. When Suzanne’s hoin’ keeps her in Vancouver for the holiday, Nick offers to bring her motherfuckin’ kids to the city from Portland, Oregon. The kids, who straight up act the fool, are determined to turn the trip into a nightmare for Eazy. Fuck ‘em.

The Eazy Dead – 1981 Five friends are spending the weekend at a remote cabin in the woods. While investigating the cellar, they discover a mixtape and a decaying old book full of the dopest rhymes they’ve ever heard. The tape is played and unleashes powerful force from the forest, determined to destroy every last one of the sucker MCs.

Law and Order: Eazy Victims Unit – 1999 This show delves into the dark side of the New York underworld as the detectives of a new elite force, the Eazy Victims Unit, investigate and prosecute various sexually oriented crimes, while trying to balance the effects of the investigations on their own lives and cold fuckin’ shit up.

Do the Eazy Thing – 1989 It’s the hottest day of the year in the Bedford- Stuyvesant neighborhood of Brooklyn, and tensions are growing there, with the only local businesses being a Korean grocery and Sal’s Pizzeria. Eazy, Sal’s delivery boy, manages to always be in the center of the action.

About Chris Durant

Chris Durant has worked at not working for decades. He's the publisher of Savage Henry Magazine.

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