William Head, contributor
The most extreme moments from New England’s most extreme band of rockers
5) May 12, 1989 Boston, MA A mini-riot
breaks out as throngs of scantily clad local Boston skanks protect their turf against a pervasive faction
of invading “Jersey whores”. Vanessa, one of the aforementioned Jersey whores, claims that the only reason they even came over in the first place is because Bon Jovi is busy working on the Young Guns II soundtrack and they have “no one to hot tub with right now”. Several Camaros are ruined in the melee.
4) Summer 1967 Several years before the
band would form, a 20-year old wandering musician named Steven Tyler finds a diner in Duluth, MN
that serves bacon wrapped, blue cheese encrusted chicken wings. He orders 50 of them, and takes them back to his hotel room. After eating 25 of them, he declares them “good enough to make love to”. He then sodomizes the remaining 25 chicken wings on a vinyl recliner. Nine months later, Guy Fieri is born.
3) January 18, 1984 Denver, CO
At the kickoff for their arena tour, Joe Perry gets so coked up he starts playing Van Halen tunes. Everybody in the building is like, “WTF?”
2) March 3, 1996 Pueblo, NM
The whole band does peyote in the mountains together. It’s cold as
hell and someone smells like deer urine. Bassist Tom Hamilton comes out of the closet. Joe Perry is so coked up he starts playing Jesus Jones tunes. Everyone else is so fried they don’t even care anymore. Steven Tyler breaks his harmonica and has a sad trip. The world is a better place until he gets a new one.
1) June 23, 1975
Steven and Joe are selected to go to the moon. Joey Kramer is pretty pissed about it, but then he’s all like, “Fuck it, I’m scared of heights anyway.” Steven uses the experience to write the hit song to Bruce Willis’ movie about asteroids almost 30 years later, claiming it really helped him to get inside the mind of someone who constantly over-acts on screen. Bruce Willis replies, through his people, of course: “Coming from Steven Tyler, that’s rich. Tell him to sing me the National Anthem without dry-humping Aretha Franklin’s soul and then he can get back to me.” A catfight ensues. Several Camaros are ruined in the melee.
There was that time Jodie Foster fucked a snake at prom, but I don’t think that relates unless we’re playing 7 Degrees of Duluth, MN.