Tim Palmer, contributor
With the success of “Mountain Dew” and the “X-Games”, extreme products have become huge moneymakers. But for all the success stories, there have been a number of missteps in attempts to turn other products into “extreme” versions. Here is a rundown of some of our favorites:
XTREME TOYOTA CAMRY: Worked too well. All women under the age of 40 who drove it immediately became pregnant and developed a liking for high waisted jeans.
XTREME HUSTLER MAGAZINE: The spreads got a bit too intense, as models were pulling their vaginas so far apart, one pictorial was entitled, “Who Wants To Fuck My Hot, Wet Small Intestine?”
XTREME WOMEN’S OLYMPIC SOFTBALL: The play of the teams improved, but most games had to end in forfeit because every time someone got a single, the first baseman would start whipping out giant rubber fists.
XTREME LAW & ORDER SVU: The storylines got more interesting, but Ice-T was constantly covered in vaginal discharge.
XTREME ICE LOVES COCO: The storylines got more interesting, but Ice-T was constantly covered in vaginal discharge.
XTREME MORRISSEY: Fans became so depressed and malnourished, Ethiopians started sending them 10 cents a day.
EXTREME MARATHONS: The first one of these did not fare so well recently in Boston.
XTREME ED HARDY SHIRTS: Not good sellers, each one came with a Vodka-Red Bull and a misdemeanor for aggravated sexual assault.
XTREME TACO BELL: Got out of hand, as regular tacos were put into a Cool Ranch Doritos shell, then stuffed into a Krispy Kreme glazed donut, and dropped into a bowl of Top Ramen. Stoners and Mid-Western Fatties loved it.
XTREME WALMART: Became a haven for the homeless and grossly obese shoppers on power wheelchairs. Also always smelled like a dirty garbage diaper. Did not work because it was too similar to regular Walmart.