Extreme Home Makeover…Nah, You’ve Just Got a Meth Problem

Josh Argyle, contributor

So you have decided to feature the use of methamphetamine prominently in your life. Not my decision, or a good or even decent decision. But what’s done is done. YOU’RE A METH GUY NOW!  So it’s time to start acting like it.

First things first, as a well-to-do meth enthusiast, you need a meth enthusiast house. Your current house or apartment will do fine. You just need to meth it up a little. See your nice carpet? Light that shit on fire and then put it out with sand from a sandbox. Do you have a gun? Of course you do; you’re a meth guy now. So why not shoot several holes in your walls? You have a couch? Not anymore. Toss that couch in the yard and bring those lawn chairs inside. Next, take all the lampshades off your lamps. Lampshades are the shackles for those not on meth.

Okay, let’s talk home accent pieces. You’re a meth guy now; it’s time to start thinking like one.  Two words: model airplanes. Start making them. You should always have at least six model airplanes in various states of being built at all time. Car parts are usually for a garage, but not now. You’re a meth guy. Spread them out all over your house. It should look like you’re making a go-kart in every room. What about the walls? Simple: posters. Not just any posters. Posters that pose more questions than answers, like a RoboCop poster with the eyes cut out. Or an unnecessary amount of signed Rush posters. Or how about the very sexually explicit painting you did of Optimus Prime?

Now it is time for your bedroom. Move your mattress out to the living room. If it all possible, burn it with cigarettes and spill some mustard on it. Now that’s a meth guy bed. What about a night stand? Easy, those aquariums filled with mouse traps will work. Not only will they work as a nightstand, but they defiantly say “a meth guy lives here.” Your house should have most of its windows broken and replaced with blue tarps. Well, all except for the large one in the living room. That one should be half-covered with a SpongeBob SquarePants blanket.  

Well, there it is. You’ve done it! You have transformed a normal house or apartment into a meth house. Congratulations. How about you celebrate the meth guy way? Get nice and methy, shout at a cloud you think is a government satellite, and then get kicked out of an Applebees! Come on, you’ve earned it.

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