Adam Jacobs, contributor
I’m a married man, so take it from me, relationships are way overrated. The problem with being in a relationship is the constant reminders that no change is coming and your future is stagnant. Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife, but sometimes you want something fresh and new, but monogamy states that you are stuck with the one sexual partner you have… until now.
The future of sex is wearing masks, baby… We all get tired of our sexual partners after a while, it’s human nature. That’s why it is so important to SWITCH IT UP. Try wearing a mask; now you have really changed the game. One day you are fucking batman, and the next you could be fucking Lego Batman — who knows, the world is your oyster.
Simply visit a Halloween store after Halloween and buy as many discount masks that can fit in your 1984 Toyota Corolla, pick up a jug of wine and some gas station roses, and get ready for some serious sexual relations, baby.
I like to start off easy with some small role play and then, after a few weeks of virtually switching sexual partners, things begin to get real kinky. It turns into President Obama fucking Donald Trump in the butt with a lamp and all of a sudden your wife yells out the safe word, “BAZINGA!” Note to first timers, try not to pick a mask of someone you hate, because those emotions will present themselves sexually.
That’s why it’s important to have a safe word, people, especially one that just gets you laughing so hard you stop the sodomy immediately. If “Bazinga” doesn’t do it for you, may I suggest “What’s Up Doc,” or “You’re Fired.”
The mask you chose will also reflect on the sex you will have. I made the mistake of wearing a Louis CK mask and all I wanted to do was masturbate in front of a door, so that was disappointing to both me and my wife.
Masks make sex fun and anonymous again like in the 1970s, where sex was free and condoms were filled with cocaine and swallowed. The good old days, where monogamy just meant you wouldn’t do anal without asking permission.
If your love life is getting stale, I highly suggest adding some masks to your lovemaking.
The important thing in a relationship is to keep it fresh, and masks are the perfect way to cheat on your significant other without actually ruining your marriage. I enjoy adding full outfits to the masks to complete the ensemble, but I’m a master of my craft and my craft is being a sexual deviant.