Cornell Reid, staff
There are are a lot of famous people who are anonymous. Banksy, Daft Punk, Jack the Ripper, Jon Lovitz. Who are these people really?
They cleverly do a fantastic job of hiding their true identity so that fans celebrate a symbol rather than an actual person or people.
Thousands of people have tried to reveal the true identities of these celebrated icons but to no avail.
That is, of course, until they put me on the case. I am an excellent detective who has figured out many different things, including a bunch of murders and missing people and all types of shit like that. I’m a grizzled detective, which is why I always wear a fedora. It’s also why I happen to look cool. I don’t wear the typical detective trench coat though, as it would cover up my dope denim jeans and flashy Beatles T-shirt. The shirt lets everyone know that I like the Beatles, which I feel like is important. Do Daft Punk even like the Beatles? Who knows, because we don’t even know who they are.
So anyway, I velcroed on my shoes and threw on my yin-yang necklace and headed out into the streets to figure out the identity of the many faceless celebrities that we all know and love. The answers I found may surprise you. The first person I went after was the famous street artist known simply as Banksy.
Banksy was a hard one to figure out because I had to travel all the way to London. Now, I hear it takes a long time to fly to London, but since my detective budget is a little light I didn’t have the cash to fly all the way to London, or “British Town,” as they call it. So instead I did what I’ve done so many times before, snuck into a shipping crate of canned fish and laid low for the 16 weeks it took to cross the Atlantic Ocean. I brought 8 gallons of vodka with me so that I could sleep most of the journey and so I could cope with the horrible smell of fish. It was a lonely 16 weeks, but thanks to the vodka I made it without attention from any of the shipmates. Once in London I hit the streets looking for Banksy. I didn’t really get that far, and since I didn’t have enough money for a hotel, I only had enough time for like a day trip. So once nightfall hit, I again found a shipping container of fish and hopped aboard hoping it would take me back home. So who is Banksy? I have no idea.
My sources told me that the members of Daft Punk live in Bakersfield. This was surprising to me, because I had always thought they were European, but what do I know? I should also mention that my sources sniff a lot of spray paint.
Anyway, I managed to catch a ride to Bakersfield and met some of the nice people that live around there. A lot of them have the name Bakersfield actually tattooed on their chests so it was very helpful to always remember where I was. I kept asking these nice fellows if they knew where Daft Punk was and one of them inevitably told me I was asking too many questions and stabbed me right in Ringo’s face, aka my abdomen. This was a major setback for discovering who in fact the men behind the masks of Daft Punk actually are. However, if I had to guess I’d say Daft Punk is Ellen Degeneres and Dr. Phil. Let’s just call it a hunch.
Jack the Ripper:
Jack the Ripper was actually, believe it or not, Tony Shalhoub.
Jon Lovitz is actually the manager at a Hot Topic and if you recognize him he’ll give you 15 percent off a Rick & Morty thong, which is pretty cool.