Fictional Orphans that did A’ight

Spencer Devine, contributor

Parental guidance is great and all, but our society puts far too much weight on its importance. Fictional orphans have been kicking butt, singing songs, and taking names for decades, always coming out on top. Here are some of the individuals who didn’t need parents to be fictional powerhouses:

Annie’s the first on any list of famous fictional orphans. This Hallmark card of a girl managed to sing and dance her way from a slummy orphanage straight into a metaphorical, and probably at some point literal, pile of money. Her new caregiver literally has ”bucks” in his last name. Annie shows us a common and valid move for fictional orphans — use your cuteness to just stop being an orphan. Simple yet effective.

Finn (Adventure Time)
Fan theories aside, Finn appears to be an orphan. Not only does he seem to be parentless, but also he’s the only human in the Candy Kingdom. Talk about isolating circumstances! Does Finn let any of that stop him? HECK NO, DUDE! Finn is a cool hero. With his shapeshifter-dog-best-friend Jake, Finn keeps the Candy Kingdom cool and mathematical.

Bruce Wayne/ Batman
Sometimes parents get killed in a mugging. It’s hard to find the good in that. Unless of course your father just happens to leave you a stake in his private company that instantly sets you up to become a billionaire. To be fair ,Bruce goes through a tragic loss but one could argue that he bounces back fairly well. Not only do his genetics make sure he’s ruggedly handsome, but the death of his parents fuels him to become one of the most influential and recognizable superheroes ever. An inheritance is pretty neat, but using your billions to kick evil’s butt and still have time to be a wealthy playboy is something else. Not to be rude, but Martha and Thomas Wayne gettin’ capped was a gift to comic book geeks everywhere, making Bruce Wayne one awesome orphan.

Peter Pan
Peter Pan is perhaps the most successful and influential fictional orphan. Think about it: he essentially represents the epitome of orphanhood. Abandoned as an infant, he never even had a chance at surrogate parents like many fictional orphans often do. Peter Pan lives in Neverland with his gang of orphans. Peter is such a rad orphan that he convinced other orphans to be his posse. Peter and the Lost Boys spend their time going on adventures, eating whatever they want, doing whatever they want, and fighting pirates. Peter Pan doesn’t necessarily own Neverland. He’s no king, nor would he want that responsibility, but there’s no denying that, at least passively, he runs that stuff. He can also fly, and that’s grounds for bonus points, automatically.

This is only a portion of the long list of orphans that did pretty OK for themselves despite the circumstances they were handed. So, in closing…

…Don’t adopt.


About Chris Durant

Chris Durant has worked at not working for decades. He's the publisher of Savage Henry Magazine.

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