I am currently unemployed. I know I get paid 8.7 billion dollars for each article I write for Savage Henry but since I usually write only one article a month, I need find another job to make ends meet. I currently spend close to 600 million per day on Subway subs alone so I need some extra cash on the side.
My boy Darren really hooked it up and gave me a tip about a good website to find jobs. I was blown away. I can’t believe they make a website specifically designed just to get a job on the internet! No more scouring the newspapers, time to log on and get hired! I eagerly ran home and turned the comp on ready to explore the internet and find a new job somewhere in a field that I was particularly drawn too.
The website Darren told me about was grindr.com I had never heard of the website before but it makes sense because employers are probably looking for someone who is constantly grinding, working as hard as they can trying to get ahead in today’s crazy world. I logged on and made my profile. They asked a lot of peculiar questions. For instance, they asked a lot about my weiner which I don’t know why a job would need to know anything about that. Also there was no place to upload my resume and they didn’t ask anything about my prior work experience. Nevertheless, I filled out my profile and waited for the job offers to come rolling in.
The first message I got was from a sweet shirtless man who was a self-described “horny long stroker.” I thought he must be a guitar teacher, I could possibly help him as his assistant or something. His message had a lot to do with how he yearned for me. I could tell this guy REALLY enjoyed the prospect of me working for his company! I told him that I burned with desire to please him in any way necessary to get the job done. I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty good at business emails. I know how to woo a possible employer. Unfortunately the guy wrote me back soon after and informed me that he got so excited he finished. I guess he had hired someone else for the position, which was a drag. I felt like I didn’t even get a chance to show this guy my best stuff! The next opportunity I got I swore I wouldn’t let slip away.
The next message I got was from a man with slicked back hair and he was wearing just a thong. I was pretty stoked about this one because I am pretty sure he was a lifeguard. I had worked as a lifeguard in my teen years so I figured I had a good shot at getting this job. He wrote on and on about his long hot rod, which is cool I like cars too. He didn’t really talk about what he wants to hire me for exactly except he mentioned something about how he’s the top (i mean obviously he’s the boss) and he wants me to receive. So of course he means accounts receivables. Accounting work! Cool! I’m pretty good at math, I think I can hack it. I told him I was eager to receive and I can’t wait to see how long his hot rod really is in person.
Anyway, I have a meeting for a very exciting career opportunity tomorrow night at 2am and it’s all thanks to grindr.com and my good friend Darren. You know, usually he plays mean tricks on me but this time he really really came through. I’ll keep you updated on the job soon! Talk to ya later!