Five Guys Burgers and Fries – Santa Cruz (on acid)

Josh Van Lockant, contributor


Walking in after getting up enough nerve to leave the park bench after the Hog Farm acid really kicked in, I was immediately struck by the checkered motif. It felt like I was in that “Don’t Come Around Here No More” Tom Petty video. And then I got sad about Petty and then the fucking song came on the radio and I was like… like seriously trippin’ out on that.

When you order it’s probably just as confusing to be not tripping as it was for me frying major balls. A regular is a double and a “little” cheeseburger is a single. Needless to say I wasn’t famished because I was trippin’, but figured I’d better put something in my gut. So after the very-bad-at-disguising-his-impatience clerk explained to me multiple times I went with the Little Cheeseburger. The clerk screaming how many patties the cook needed was surprising to say the least. More accurately, it was butthole clenchingly loud.

Hey! Look! Peanuts! Why? I don’t know, but there’s free peanuts in boxes you can just eat. I think you can eat them. I hope you can eat them…for free. What do you think the statute of limitations is on peanut thievery in Santa Cruz County?

The restaurant, beyond it’s mesmerising checkered motif, is decorated in newspaper and magazine clippings praising all Five of the Guys. From all over the country. Judging by the lavish gushing in the articles and reviews, the burgers aren’t the only thing from the Five Guys that the press is putting in their mouth.

Do you think this issue of Savage Henry will be displayed in the hundreds and hundreds of restaurants with this review blown up and displayed alongside?

It was “ehhhh…all right”, not the worst place to try and eat while blasted. And in downtown Santa Cruz I’m sure I wasn’t the only one.


Five Guys taste like 10 Guys in your Mouth

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