Flat Earther to Release Opinion on Tax Policy

Aaron Pitcher, contributor

 

HARTFORD, MI – The Internet was abuzz this morning at the Facebook announcement by local Flat Earth model advocate and unemployed punch press operator Clint Fielder that he would soon make an important contribution to the national dialogue and “share with the (flat) world [his] own prespective on pending tax legilsation.” Fielder, 44, whose credentials include a Certificate of Completion from Van Buren Community College’s Second Chance Program and several hundred hours of intense YouTubing, plans to release the official statement, also via the popular Facebook platform, as he does not yet “have the Twitters.”

 

The commentariat were quick to respond. Homeschool educator Mary Clark-Denton replied first: “Can’t wait Clint! We may not always agree but I respect your beliefs! SEE YOU IN CHURCH!!!!!” The exclamation points were followed by six emojis, one cross, and one icon we couldn’t see on these crappy work phones Savage Henry issues its reporters.

 

From there the thread took on a somewhat harsher tone. Commentary skewed sharply against Fielder and his various analyses, with many of the participants apparently struggling to maintain a serious engagement. Unedited excerpts follows:

 

“Let me guess, he likes his taxes flat”

 

“Five bucks says it’ll just be a meme he got off The_Donald”

 

“Clint, I’m not asking ‘if’. I’m saying HOW MANY times as a baby were you dropped on your head?”

 

“I’d like to introduce him to Buzz Aldrin. #MoonLanding #PunchLanding”

 

“your an idiot”

 

“Even this guy^ thinks YOUR an idiot!”

 

“Hey Clint, you wouldn’t happen to know just exactly how sweet paint chips taste, would ya?”

 

“Opinions are like assholes. Well, yours are.”

 

“Of course Fielder doesn’t believe in evolution. He hasn’t experienced it yet. #Neanderthal”

 

“how ur big head havin ass tryna be flat earth and you gotta FUCKIN GLOBE sittin on ur shoulder”

 

“I’m surprised that thing ain’t got its own satellite.”

 

“Is this the wiki for Dunning-Kruger?”

 

“Hey Clint when you were a kid did you invent a game called ‘Bury the Q-tip’?”

 

“I think of all those long hours I wasted in the AP courses getting indoctrinated with round earth propaganda when I could’ve been chillin’ with you making hats out of colored paper…”

 

“The Earth isn’t flat, it’s a massive oblate spheroid with ubiquitous curvature. Like yo mama”

 

After, at last count, 163 such comments, the thread fizzled out, but was subsequently shared by fellow Lakebed High School alumnus and regional comedy “open miker” Alan Prickard under the heading “This f*ckin’ guy.” Remarkably, this second iteration of the posting proved even more robust than the first. [Our editorial staff has declined to cite the thread directly due to content.]

 

Despite the blowback, Fielder remains resolute. In a brief telephone interview he told SH, “I’m not going to bother arguing with a bunch of Freemason-brainwashed globetard sheep. Most of them are probably lizard people anyway,” and hung up.​

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