Food Review: The Flavors of Purina Fancy Feast Cat Food

I’m assuming I was volunteered for the task of sampling and reviewing cat food for several reasons. First off, I’m a large man and enjoy eating pretty much anything. There’s also the fact that this is the “Fancy” issue and there happens to be a brand of gourmet feline cuisine with that name. I also enjoy stroking a pussy and playing with my friends’ pussies when visiting their homes.

So, after three tall cans of PBR, four screwdrivers and two shots of Jameson I convinced myself I could handle eating four cans of cat food. Incredibly, I didn’t even vomit and celebrated my cat-like gluttony with more intoxication.

Delights With Cheddar
Before opening the can, the label promised a “chicken and cheddar feast.” I was disappointed to find the chicken slightly undercooked and the cheese was lower quality than what you might find on movie theatre nachos. The gravy tied everything together nicely though, and offered a smoky flavor.
Rating: 4 out of 10 smiling cats! 

Grilled
As I was raised in a family of commercial fisherman, my preferences for seafood are incredibly specific. For a long time I didn’t like salmon simply because I ate too much of it. After sucking down every last morsel of this fine shrimp and salmon cuisine, I am now more open to trying other treasures of the sea. Again, the gravy really bonded the other elements nicely.
Rating: 8 out of 10 smiling cats! 

Gravy Lovers
I don’t know what a “beef feast” is, but it sounds like it could be the title of a gay pornographic film. Luckily as I had started to develop a taste for the gravy, I stomached the “beef” elements and was able to finish the entire can in four spoonfuls.
Rating: 3 out of 10 smiling cats!

Mornings
As a man that loves a large, casual breakfast, I was especially excited to sample the “Mornings” Flavor. The eggs were a little runny and discolored, but the assortment of garden veggies really added a nice color and variety to the taste. The “sauce” had an odd flavor, something I could only compare to licking a wild hyena’s asshole.
Rating: 2 out of 10 smiling cats! 

 

About Ben Allen

Our music editor Ben Allen was born one stormy evening in a quaint Northern California coastal village. Upon birth he was immediately exposed to the soothing analog sounds of artists such as Fleetwood Mac, The Beatles, Paul Simon, Captain Beefheart and Santana. As the lad grew, so did his appreciation for an assortment of abrasive hard rock. A pubescent flirtation with butt metal was shattered in the early 1990’s by exposure to Nirvana and other so-called “Alternative” bands. While in college, our protagonist became a DJ on a local station, and began work as a freelance music journalist. During this period he became entranced with artists such as Tortoise, Slint, Modest Mouse, Guided By Voices and Pavement. Currently Allen resides in Arcata, CA where he continues to obsess and salivate over new recordings by his favorite artists. He works with music industry people to ensure that Savage Henry’s contributors receive music and other promotional materials. He also writes a silly monthly list titled “Ben’s 10.”

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