Footloose and Fancy Pants: Advice from the Man at the Pinnacle of Society’s Elite

Rob Seltzner, contributor

Dear Mr. Fancy Pants,

I got me this chick over in Arcata that I been seein’. I like her okay and she goes down on me and all. But, here’s the problem: She’s a college girl so she knows more stuff than I do but I’m a Christian and that shit ain’t right. I’m like the head of the household and all. Even though she don’t live in my house I’m pretty sure the Bible says I’m still her boss. But, she just talks crazy all the time about being a scientist and not having babies. Can I just smack her when she gets like that?
Whatever,
Thad in McKinleyville

Dear Thad,

Alas we live in a day and age when the fairer sex thinks and acts on par with men. Your concerns are valid although your grasp of religious doctrine seems tenuous at best. As far as striking the woman, I fear that will only put you at odds with the authorities. The best course of action in your situation is to constantly mock and belittle her goals and ambitions. Also, make repeated and increasingly alarming comments about her weight, hair, makeup choices, etc. Then begin courting other women. Self-esteem thoroughly shattered, the young lady will drop out of school and bear you (and probably several of your friends) many children.
Enjoy prison and obesity,
Mr. Fancy Pants

Dear Mr. Fancy Pants,

Two years ago I left my man of like 10 years for this other dude. Then I found out he wears my underwear and shit while I’m at work and I think he started diddlin’ the dog. I ain’t even tryin’ to hear any of that. How do I get the first guy back and get myself rid of the dog fucker? Oh yeah, and is it true you can still get knocked up even if you take it in the ass? This girl at work said you could but she’s a slut and I think she’s makin’ it up.
Sincerely,
Lexus in Eureka 

Dear Lexus,

As your name indicates you sound like a cheaper version of something much nicer. True, cross-dressing and bestiality do not fall under the traditional rubric of healthy love play. On the other hand there is something to be said for a man who is comfortable with himself. And at least he doesn’t beat you (as in strike you, not constantly prevail over you). And as for becoming anally impregnated the answer is most definitely “yes”. You sound like you will be an excellent caregiver to whatever emerges from your posterior.
Enjoy your future stay in a halfway house,
Mr. Fancy Pants

Dear Mr. Fancy Pants,

I am a single mother of two with two college degrees and my own financial consulting business. I’m successful, educated and very goal-oriented yet it seems like these qualities don’t appeal to men the way they should. Deep down I know they crave a spiritual and intellectual equal for a partner, even though they hide this behind a superficial interest in looks. How do I get past this male-dominated social conditioning so they can see that I’m what they really want? Sincerely,
Mongolia in Arcata

Dear Mongolia,

A woman who really knows what a man wants is like a prostitute who gives it away for free: It does not exist but even if it did you wouldn’t want it. I fear that someone in your situation has few options. And they all involve committing your life to bathing lepers. As for your children, most probably named “India” or “Pisces” or something else equally inane, my advice is to sell them. You can use the money to purchase the friendship of others.
Enjoy your inevitable lesbian relationship,
Mr. Fancy Pants

 

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