Fuck Your Breakfast

I don’t understand the concept of breakfast. The closest I’ve ever come to eating breakfast is when I smoked weed out of a Granny Smith apple once, at 6 a.m., right before I fell asleep.

They say it’s the most important meal of the day, which leads me to believe that it’s square and boring. Since it falls into the category as square and boring, I know nothing about it ‘cause I’m cool.

While you were out eating and understanding breakfast for your whole life, I’ve been living a LIFE of PURE KNOWLEDGE. Here’s a few things that I’ve learned while NOT eating breakfast:

Jake The Snake was actually a human and not a snake at all.

Cats don’t really have nine lives.

Panda bears think they’re killer whales.

I don’t like peanuts.

Tattoos hurt way more than you’d think.

Milk is for baby cows.

Lee “Scratch” Perry rules

It’s fun to say words like “Hella” and “Dope”

We never landed on the moon.

It’s really fun believing that Bigfoot is real.

Chicks dig beards.

Stand up comedy is so much fun.

You don’t have to talk to cops.

The cure for cancer is apparently AIDS.

Voting is pointless.

Cows are scary as fuck.

Chicken is the only thing that tastes like chicken.

The white man killed Bob Marley.

Weed’s not a drug, but dabs definitely are.



About Matt Redbeard

Hella Dope

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