A Fun Final Farewell

Trevor Lockwood, contributor


So a loved one is finally cashing in their big lotto ticket in the sky. Now is the time to honor them they way that they’ve always wanted, with one last game of chance. It’s a raffle and boy howdy are there prizes to be won! It only takes a few easy steps to get a celebration of life like this started.


Step 1: Gather family, friends, and loved ones. Hopefully there are enough people here, and the deceased’s addiction hasn’t pushed anyone away. You want butts in these seats! If the turnout is poor, advertise! The call of the draw can attract risk-taking high rollers in.


Step 2: Now you should have enough players — uh, I mean… mourners. Of course the more people you have the better the competition. You don’t want them to have easy odds, it’s gambling, it has to be fun and challenging! You’ll need prizes to keep everyone entertained. Funerals are a drab, dull, and definitely downers; you need to spice things up. Things like four leaf clovers, lucky horseshoes, toasters, coasters, camping gear for some odd reason, their favorite slot machine stool that has an odd scent permeating from it, and even a few fancy caskets, large and small.
Step 3: You need people to want to stick around for the whole event, so this is your key and most crucial step. The grand prize! The one thing that will get people to actually sit through two plus hours of stories and lies about a dead person that any person can conjure up about them. It has to be something pricey, something long-lasting. You’ve already put up a casket or two for grabs; how could you ever top that? Our prize to top all prizes? A funeral plot of your dreams! If you’ve ever had to bury a body you’d know how much it costs just to pile dirt on someone in a nice part of town. To win something like that for free makes your family member or friend dying all worth it! A six-foot-deep hole just for your meat-sack of a body is just the thing anyone would like to win.

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