Spencer Devine, contributor
One day you’re killing it, and the next day it’s killing you: the tumultuous lack of foresight inherent in the human condition. In this environment it’s essential to find certainty and confidence in something that will not disappoint you.
Luckily the future holds at least one thing with guaranteed quality and reliability: the next article I write.
The next article that I write is going to be phenomenal. I have foreseen it in what can only be described as “DeVine intervention.” Now that may seem conceited, but there’s a truth to it that cannot be denied. You wouldn’t go to Isaac Newton and tell him he was crazy for saying gravity existed (unless you were in his time, then you totally would, Newton was a weirdo.) There’s a 100% guarantee that whatever I write next will live up to every expectation I foresee and will literally blow your mind.
I must put forth a warning that I do not deal in exaggeration, and when I say the top of your cranium will bust off, I am being earnest. It’s true that it’ll still be the most amazing literary work of any century, but also the most monumental tragedy ever recorded.
I know your questions: if it makes everyone’s tops pop why would you publish it? Hell, how would you even publish it?
I wish it could be stopped. There’re some things more powerful than you and me, reader. What is to come is something like has never been seen before. So punchy and wit-filled, in fact, that it will be in the magazine, whether the staff has been cranially propulsed or not (which, since this next article will be so good, is a high probability.) Yes, you heard me right; it will put itself in the magazine via a time travel paradox that the article will resolve of its own accord and cause havoc and irreparable harm, not because it is an evil, but rather the most powerful type of good.
Even on its wave of mindless skull-from-neck separation it will do just as much good as bad. My next article will volunteer in soup kitchens, invent a new flavor of hot pocket, and make sure your DVR doesn’t delete that episode of NCIS you’ve been saving.
I’m not saying that my next article is comparable to God; that would be conceited of God, wouldn’t it?