Leslie Small, contributor
The year is 2095. Comcast rules all. In the Great Cable War of 2032, which cost 500,000 human lives, the corporate juggernaut prevailed in the most historically significant American event since the attempted Twinkie discontinuation of 2012. Much like then, the people rose up to fight for the programming as they had for the sponge cakes of questionable content, believing in their enlarged hearts that these were God-given American rights, but this time the results were drastically different. Instead of celebrating in sweet, cream-filled victory, the people were met with the beginning to the end.
The catalyst for the event was not what we all thought it would be, smart money would have been on reality T.V. ruining everything. It would have if not for the Reality Reformatting Act of 2024, when America voted to pit every reality star against each other in a Battle Royale to the death, determining the one reality show that would remain. No one ever thought Honey Boo Boo would be the victor. Although her elaborate redneck booby traps and a lifetime in reality T.V. which eliminated most of her apathy and compassion, her crown was well fought and bloody, but ultimately gave her the platform she needed to run for congress. No, our downfall was a result of something we unanimously loved, perhaps too much.
Game of Thrones, the critically acclaimed show which perfectly blended violence with raw sexuality and more than enough incest, drove us to our demise. The imbalance of illegal downloads to paying customers was the proverbial straw that broke the dragon’s back. Comcast then knew our weakness, and capitalized thusly. First it was the arrests, which they thought would suffice, but jail time could not deter the crazed fans! Then the microchips, placed in the skin of the cable subscriber that would allow them access. This lead to widespread skinning and much more physical piracy than we had ever seen before, yet the profits that Comcast saw was enough to take it a step further. Placing the chip directly into the brain and making it government mandated was the solution to the problem all along. Those who refused were publicly executed, few escaped, and those who did were in exile, forced to experience the show through the books which had become a bible of sorts to the “Plain-Brained” as they were called. Even now as I write to you from this hidden bunker I fear for my freedom, as we know the Government has supplied the Comcast Army with drones that search out and implant the Plain-Brained against their will. I could be changed at any time.
(A drone swooshes in with a *CRASH* BANG! *ZAP!* and just like that, one more Plain-Brained is changed. For the better, I swear! Check out the handy testimonial below!)
“I love my new chip! It has the best picture quality out there and I can download new episodes to my memory the same day they’re released! I don’t know how I managed without it, and they upgrade me every year like clockwork! Thanks, Comcast!”
“Comcast has been the best thing to happen to my life, I don’t know what I was doing before this, but it certainly wasn’t living! Seriously though, I would sooner murder my own child (who I named Comcast) before I thought about dishonoring our glorious cable overlords. Thanks, Comcast!”
“I was tired of my brain always thinking. I just want to be entertained! You knew that and delivered. Thanks, Comcast!”