Trevor Lockwood, contributor
Since the beginning of time, toys have existed, obviously. Ya know, since your parents weren’t all too bored before your funky face came to be, they had toys growing up as well! Some of my favorite toys have just been revamped trinkets of yesteryear. Take the ancient stick. When I was growing up I played with a stick as well, but in the modern age it was no longer made of that old-ass “wood” the geriatrics are used to, mine was made of hard as lego brick plastic! Scientific! Just look around, as the world keeps turning we keep updating and upgrading our favorite toys and games. Take a peep at some of the new games you can find at your local thrift store just in time for next year’s black friday five finger sale!
We all know this tipsy bastard that we always played once or twice before using the blocks to start a marshmallow-cookin’ fire. Well, the new version is here! Instead of those complicated moving pieces, this game can now be found in the digital era. To be honest, it’s just a yoga DVD, but the concept is the same. You used the DVD to try to find inner peace before your life inevitably falls down around you.
How else are you supposed to talk to your pet ghost-dog, or ask your grandma where she hid her lucky tooth before her “mysterious” passing? Now with the age of that good-tastin’, brain-tinglin’ WiFi we can now reach the spirits far and wide! It’s a simple setup process. All you have to do it enter in your super secret password, “GOD” if you’re a Hackers fan, with your wireless pointer that comes paired with the letter board (now with Emojis!). There is also a rad screen installed on the device so you can even see the spirits on the other side! To be honest, it’s just a live-feed of a convalescent home. It technically counts as visiting, so they are pretty cheery with the interaction, and you don’t have to hide your true fear interacting with someone from a “different time,” uncomfortable comments and all!
The fun game that made you afraid of picking out your splinters with tweezers connected to a car battery is back! This time around all of the operations are updated for a more modern OR. Botox in the face, tummy tuck, and even gender reassignment surgery, to name a few. An added stressful step is trying not to sew up any of your equipment inside of the patient and avoiding a malpractice suit. Don’t forget to proudly post your honorary doctorate provided in the game from the University of Phoenix!
In this day and age our economy is inflating like a balloon, or crashing like your weird uncle when trying to get home from the bar. This new Monopoly game reflects this. Now everything is bought and sold with credit — swipe or chip, they both work. The bank is now too big to fail and has had its own government bailout. It also doesn’t matter what piece your pick, all players start with 50k in student debt for some useless arts degree. With every pass of GO you have to make sure you make at least your minimum payment on your loans. Of course, no game of Monopoly is played without a few house rules. I myself play with Humboldt County rules: whenever someone lands on my space and they try to hand me their card to pay for staying at one of my swanky hotels, I turn them down with a cocky “cash only.”
Welcome to the wonderful world of tomorrow and keep your eyes peeled for anymore up-to-date games and toys that you recognize from your childhood. Then again, video games exist. You’ll catch me stuck in front of my TV ignoring everything that has been purchased for me just to play whatever brand new first-person shooter that has barely been remastered or fixed or whatever.