How to Get Kicked Out of a Dispensary

Miranda Panda, contributor


It’s easy to get kicked out of a dispensary by simply sparking up at the counter or bringing in your little sister in a crappy disguise. But if you really want to be 86ed for life, why not do it in style? Here are a few ideas to get your creative vapors flowing:


  • Sing “Because I Got High” at top volume.
  • Dive over the counter and clutch a jar of your favorite strain to your chest in a frenzy of joy.
  • Ask if they sell meth. If they don’t, pull out your stash & offer it around. Sharing is caring!
  • Eat a triple hit of acid, then freak out and demand a cuddle puddle to bring you back from the edge of the abyss.
  • Try to pay in Canadian dollars/rubles/euros/lire/Monopoly money. When it is not accepted, look around doe-eyed for someone to come to your rescue.
  • Talk to the buds. Each one. This may take some time.
  • Black out the cameras with spray paint/Rasta flags/serapes/Grateful Dead bear stickers. If they ask what you’re doing, exclaim, “Don’t you know the NSA is always watching?”
  • Call your little brother from the counter and ask him what he and the little homies want. Extra points if you mention it’s for his 12th birthday party.
  • Communicate only in Klingon.
  • Douse everyone around you in patchouli.
  • Burn incense and pray over the nuggets.
  • Ask your budtender, “Can you bless me with a couple nugs? I’m really hard up, man. I just need my medicine.”
  • Pretend you’re speed-dating the budtenders.
  • Bring your dog. Feed him a couple sample buds. If they tell you to stop, argue that Buster is a connoisseur and you need his advice.
  • Use the word “mouthfeel” at least once per sentence.
  • Show up naked under a floor-length duster. Show the budtender your giblets. Bonus points if you waggle your eyebrows and ask them to check out your hairy nugs.
  • Wear a fake beard. Decorate it with buds.
  • Decorate your real beard with buds.
  • Bring an inflatable kiddie pool. Set it up and ask for some water so you can make your decision in your natural environment.
  • Set up a dart board, ping pong table, and minibar. When the staff asks what you’re doing, say, “What? I have friends coming over.”
  • Pass out on the counter. Try to snore and drool as much as possible.
  • Show up in cop uniform. Collect samples for lab analysis. If they try to stop you, flash your homemade cardboard badge. Extra points if your name is “McLovin.”

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