ROAD raGE “The Angry Driver Wants TO lISten, Fuckface”

The Angry Driver, Contributor

I admit it freely — I’m one fucking pissed-off, angry motherfucking driver.

I get red-faced, vein-popping, screaming mad due to other people’s driving. I pound the steering wheel and honk incessantly and rev the engine to a screaming pitch while tailgating, flashing my lights and trying to intimidate you into getting the goddamn fuck out of my fucking way.

Yes, it’s unhealthy, irrational and destructive, but I do it anyway. And in some sick way, I kind of enjoy it.

I’m not the only one though. You know you’ve extended your share of middle fingers, yelled out the window or pounded the steering wheel in a rage, waiting for that moron weaving all over the road to make one more text message before you jam the fucking gas pedal to the floor and ram her smug little political bumper sticker right up her stupid fucking ass. And you got a nice little adrenaline hit from it.

All of us have allowed the bad driving habits of others to put us into a bad mood. It’s a fact of life (and is a driver’s mantra; I believe No. 1 or 2) that people drive like shit! Locally, we see more bad driving than we should. No matter if you drive a short distance each day or if your job has you driving all over, the consensus is that it’s a goddamn jungle out there (this is another of the driver’s mantras and is due to the fact that people drive like shit!).

I can’t even begin to start the laundry list of shit-for-brains driving I’ve seen from all of you dumbasses. I mean, let’s be blunt here. It makes me so goddamn fucking ANGRY that I want to RIP OFF your fucking HEADS and take a huge steaming SHIT right down your fucking THROATS.

That’s not really an option at this point in time. And that’s part of the reason I began writing Road Rage — so perhaps I’ll stop raging behind the steering wheel and start raging on the keyboard … that will at least save my steering wheel. The last time some dumb motherfucker (like you) pissed me right the fuck off in traffic I went into a blind red rage so bad that I ripped off the wheel and threw it through the windshield of a passing ambulance carrying your dying grandmother. That didn’t turn out so well … for the ambulance. Those dumbasses should have been paying better attention anyway.

Now, I don’t even remotely claim to have any kind of expert or inside knowledge on the automotive industry, nor do I claim to be an expert on anything. I’m merely your average car owner trying, just like you, to survive on the local roads.

Please send in any insults, abuse, slander, libel, middle fingers, personal “fuck you” messages, suggestions, money, comments, new car demos, traffic citations or threats to my life that you might have. However much I fucking hate all of you, I still want to listen.

Drive safer and remember: Fuck you!
-The Angry Driver

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