Sean Green, contributor
The best part of having a sibling is having someone you can beat the crap out of without suffering any sort of real consequences. I mean, look at Jay-Z: he shot his brother at age 12 and 30 years later became part-owner of the New Jersey Nets. Some might even argue that owning a 20-win Nets team that lost the number one overall pick and whose best player is now Jeremy Lin is karmic punishment for the attempted murder of his brother.
Everyone loves watching siblings fight, and as the Vince McMahon of imaginary battle royales I decided to pit TV’s favorite kids against each other in a no-holds-barred winner-takes-all match. And since I’m a gambling degenerate I decided to come up with some betting odds as well. Just pick who you think will win and mail me your money, and then I’ll tell you whether you won or not. This is totally not a scam for me to get money so I can bet more on the NFL.
The Keatons (200:1)
I mean, you’d have to be clinically insane to bet on the Keatons pulling this one off. There isn’t one sibling from Family Ties who can bench more than 90 lbs. As soon as the Keatons walk in the ring it’s going to be a bloodbath. Alex P. Keaton is probably the only potential star of the group, and he’s too morally conservative to take the needed steroids. The only potential path to victory is Jennifer Keaton coming in with a surprise leg drop from the top rope. There is no way the Keatons win, but it certainly will be fun to hear Alex P. Keaton try to expel the virtues of the trickle-down effect while being choked out.
The Addams Family (50:1)
The siblings-only aspect of this battle royale really hurts the Addams family the most. Thing, Cousin It, and Lurch — all possible MVPs — are going to be sitting on the bench. Trotting out only Wednesday and Pugsley Addams, they may have a fighter’s chance, but still pretty big long shots. At 50:1 there may be some value in betting them based on some potential black magic or one of the judges falling victim to a surprise heart attack after running into Cousin It in the crowd.
The Bradfords (30:1)
The Bradfords are possibly a best bet candidate, especially at 30:1, simply for the fact that there are eight kids who are going to be in the ring from Eight Is Enough. The problem, though, is how independent they are — it’s unlikely they will all be on the same page. Infighting between the eight will ultimately be the downfall of The Bradfords, as Susan Bradford is considered amongst many to be a locker room cancer.
The Tanners (25:1)
A lot of people are surprised that the Tanners of Full House have odds this low considering it’s just three girls. The Tanners, if anything, are street smart and have “seen some shit,” which is really important in a battle royale. The girls’ real trick up their sleeve is when their opponents try to pin Michelle Tanner, only to be choked out by another Michelle Tanner, played by the other Olsen twin. Diabolical!
The Huxtables (4:1)
Theo, Rudy, Sondra, and Denise, or the Four Horsemen as the’re known, are a formidable group. Using their Dad’s medical knowledge, this crew can really inflict some pain. Opponents need to do whatever it takes to avoid Cliff Huxtable’s ringside Gatorade stand, as it can be a devastating mistake!
The Salingers (2:1)
The Salingers from Party Of Five are really everything you want in a fighting family. Sure, one of the five is a useless baby, but these five are used to taking care of each other! Their parents may have died in a horrible drunk-driving accident, but that anger will serve them well as they dismantle other families. As long as Bailey doesn’t relapse during the middle of the fight, the Salingers are a clear cut favorite to take home the Fighting Family battle royale belt!