Spencer Devine, contributor
Harvesting the energy of your pug is not an easy thing to do. Everyday exhausted dog owners let their inbred angel-baby-dogs sap them of their vitality, when in fact at the tips of their fingers is one of the most efficient batteries in the world..
The earth is dying, global warming slowly roasting us alive, and resources grow slimmer and slimmer every day. That is why alternative energy is a must if we are to survive, and what better batteries than our foldy-faced friends? Pugs have a lot of energy, sometimes arguably too much momentum for their own goods. If you let one run around on its own volition it’s likely to run into a wall, piece of furniture, or full on into an unhappy cat.
The world of harvesting a pug’s energy is the tip top of the intellectual and scientific communities, giving our planet such iconic innovations such as a giant hamster wheel (normally holding about ten pugs on average, which can power a good-sized microwave or a popcorn maker).
Not everyone can be an internationally-recognized scientist or a Nobel Peace Prize winner though. You might not have access to a Super Pug Collider, and that’s understandable in a current and struggling economy. Even if we as a individual can’t afford these more advanced technologies there are more basic and classic methods that can be used by the average household to achieve the same effects as a big fancy pug lab (yes pug labs are a thing, the most successful one is in southeast Hoboken, NJ).
Perhaps the most recognizable of any pug-energy solution is the iconic pug sled. The concept is simple enough, find an old sled (or something to simulate one: garbage can lid, cardboard, ABBA vinyl, etc.) and attach as many pugs as you can get your hand on. This more basic technology doesn’t necessarily create or store the pug’s excess energy, but instead uses its current energy as a tool, which is sometimes the best we can do.
Surprisingly, or not so surprisingly, this area of science faces constant scrutiny from dog owners and even the rest of the scientific community. However we can’t always help those who are afraid of science and progress. So what if someone wants to replace their electric blanket with a bunch of pugs velcroed together, isn’t this America?
No pug was harmed in the making of this article.