mad programmer sitting at a computer desk

Help on the Way

William Toblerone, contributor

Dear Savage Henry Tech Support,

Hi friends!  I adore your magazine; especially the articles with a bunch of swear words. I would really like to check out the material on However, when I try to log on to your website, I am redirected to a site that provides tour information for Clay Aiken. I tried to email you with my concerns, but every time I hit SEND my computer shocks me in the nads. Next I attempted to use your toll-free number. The recording instructed me to “Press 1 for English, press 2 to be shocked in the nads.”  I tried both options and they each provided an equally excruciating electric current to the nads.
So I’m going with my last option, which is to mail you this letter. I don’t like to rely on my mail carrier, because he hates everybody in our neighborhood. He carries a low voltage Taser in a holster. He says is for protection from dogs, but I’ve only seen him use it to shock people in the nads. Ouch! My nads!
Anyway, Can you please help me access your website? Without the content on your site to enrich my world knowledge, I fear I may become increasingly irrelevant until I am indistinguishable from a boiling stool sample.

Sergey Bunglecrump


Dear Bunglecrump,

We apologize for the frustration you are experiencing with the website and the unfortunate treatment of your nads. From our tech offices in Amarillo, we are unable to detect any problems with our server or our toll-free nad blaster.  However, we do have a series of troubleshooting ideas that may work for you.

  • Make sure your computer is plugged in to a real American power source, and not some European bullshit.
  • Many fans attempt to access our website from a Turkish bathhouse. Often the motherboard of a computer will react adversely to the condensation of steam.  You may want to purchase a strong dehumidifier, Turkish bathhouse strength.
  • Do better.
  • If you are standing in molten lava, wait until the lava cools into firm pumice and then try again.
  • You may need to employ The Secret.  Do not be afraid to ask the universe to treat you fairly.  A glorious manifestation of your desires in within reach.
  • Ask yourself “What Would Dilbert Do?”
  • Check your browser.  Our website is not yet compatible with Amish Explorer.  
  • Quit smoking crack!
  • Attend a Clay Aiken concert.
  • Our tech department has a simple motto:  “If you think you can do better, drive down here to Amarillo and say it to our faces.”  We welcome constructive knife debates.

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