Samantha Gilweit, contributor
I was once a fat ass. And then I was like, “I don’t want to be a fat ass anymore.” So I went to the Internet and started reading shit about fat asses that no longer wanted to be fat asses. I started eating different. I started exercising and shit. I stopped eating tons of carbs. Yeah, fuck you carbs. If the late ‘90s taught us nothing of value, it at least helped solidify that the carbohydrate is Satan.
Then I found this recipe. This recipe warmed the cockles of my fat ass heart. Because it was pancakes. And these pancakes are low carb and taste delicious. WTF!?!
WHEAT FREE, GUILT FREE, LOW CARB PANCAKES
THIS RECIPE IS MAGICAL, FAT ASSES. If you’re a vegan fat ass, I’m sorry. There’s nothing we can do for you.
2 Oz of Cream Cheese
1 Tsp of Cinnamon
Pinch of Salt
That’s all you need. You can even do without the cinnamon if you’re a lazy fat ass.
STEP ONE: Start heating your pan on a low heat. Hey! Ever have eggs stick to your pan? That’s because your pan isn’t hot enough, dumb shit. So start heating that shit on low heat immediately.
STEP TWO: Now that your pan is heating up, pull out your NutriBullet or other small sized blender. What? You don’t have a NutriBullet? What are you, a peasant? I’ve seen homeless people with NutriBullets, you have no excuse.
STEP THREE: Okay, so blend all the shit/ingredients together. Turn your pan up to medium heat. Put some butter in the pan. Butter doesn’t make you fat, that’s a lie that the government sold us in the ‘80s. But if you’re scared of butter, then use coconut oil which also doubles as a great sexual lubricant.
Pour a small sized amount of the batter on the pan, you know… like, pancake sized. Wait for about two minutes or until the underside looks like all the races of the world mixed together and then flip.
STEP FOUR: Eat it, fat ass. Add some fresh fruit to that shit. Mince some shit. Get fancy. If you have to, you can pour on some maple syrup. It’s a natural sugar and metabolizes in a way that makes you feel like less of a fat ass. Just make sure you’re buying nice maple sugar, not corn syrup with a Canadian flag on the front.
STEP FIVE: FEEL FUCKING AMAZING.