Hillbilly Translations

Hillbillies, rednecks and yokels all have a colorful way of speaking that lends them the charm we all recognize as one of their most popular traits. Think Andy Taylor or David Duke. Down homesy sayings that sound quaint as fuck, but you can never figure out what they really mean. Well, I’m fluent in hillbilly, so let me translate a few for you and maybe give you the inside track the next time you stop at a roadside stand to get that blue nose pit bull throw blanket you’ve always wanted.

I am as nervous as a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Translation: Putin really has no claim to the Crimean region of Ukraine. He’s totally taking a playbook from Sultan Mehmed VI.

Well that just dills my pickle.
Translation: I’ve looked into Obama Care pretty closely and concluded it’s our best option at this time.

He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.
Translation: Seriously. What’s A-Rod, or Braun or even Bonds for that matter done that’s so wrong. They’re trying to win a very competitive sport that frankly could use a little pick-me-up. Just legalize steroids and play ball. That’s what I say.

Well, don’t you look prettier than a glob of butter melting on a stack of wheat cakes.
Translation: Donald Trump is an ass hat.

He was as mad as a mule chewing on bumblebees!
Translation: How does ABC think they can just replace Tom Bergeron on AFV? He’s irreplaceable. No, no, no, don’t go there. It’s not because his replacement is African American. I’m insulted by the thought.

 

About Chris Durant

Chris Durant has worked at not working for decades. He has held roughly 100 jobs through his employment career, from a driving range ball picker upper to a door to door film salesman. He started his first magazine, Mean Spirited Willie, in Sacramento around 1997. Since then he has been the publisher of Slow Kids Playing, First Draft, Notes From an American Nobody, Fat Llama Spit and Short Bus Magazine. Durant and co-founder Sarah Godlin created Savage Henry after he was shoved aside as the editor of his local daily newspaper’s entertainment magazine. In the early meetings Durant's wife, Monica, and another writer for Northern Lights, Josh Duke, laid down the groundwork for what the magazine has evolved into. Durant writes, edits, sells ads, manages ad clients and delivers the magazine as well as books stand-up comedians for Savage Henry's monthly comedy shows and its annual Savage Henry Magazine Comedy Festival (formerly SHITS and Giggles Comedy Festival). He also co-produces and co-hosts the magazine's weekly podcast, the Savage Henry Magazine Radio Program. He lives in McKinleyville, California with his wife, three of his children, two dogs, two cats and his Playstation 3.

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