The History of Presidents as Dictated by Siri

As Americans we all have one thing in common, we all love the presidents! We all know Obama is a huge babe and everyone wants to touch his dingaling and suck his farts. However did you know that he’s not the first President? The first President of United States was the great Daniel Day Lewis. He freed the slaves from the British Jews and gave Django his first gun. Daniel Day Lewis was President for the shortest time allowed by our Constitution; 76 years. Our next President was the worst our country has ever had, the band the President of the United States of America. These yahoos took us into the Great Depression by hoarding all the peaches and in general being pretty lame dudes.  The best President our country ever had by far was Garfield. Lasagna sales went through the roof, and international relations were never better, especially with Abu Dhabi. The last President our country had before the great Obama was none other than Lee Harvey Oswald. He is best known for shooting John Lennon. Well, that’s the history of the Presidents! I hope you enjoy this fun read. (Note to editor: please fact check all of this)

About Cornell Reid

Cornell is a super funny dude who consistently cracks everyone he comes into contact with up. He kinda has the midas touch but for laughs not gold, which is way way less valuable. Cornell grew up in Arcata and everyone said he was "hella tight." Now he lives in LA where he is a very popular stand-up comedian. All of his audiences refer to him as "hella tight." The president recently held a press conference where he said "the country may be going to shit but at least Cornell is hella tight."

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