Chris Acosta, contributor
Ed-note – a few months ago one of our writers received violations from his home owner’s association. The following is his reply:
I have done the following to rectify the violation (loose fence boards and cable wire being a different color than the house) stated in the letter.
On April 12 at 3 p.m. I began my duty by fixing the loose fence board despite the nagging worry that Hispanics are twice as likely to contract tetanus from rusty nails as non- Hispanics (for intravenous drug users anyway, but you really never know) and that 27 percent of all carpentry injuries are to the hands. I have extraordinarily small hands; very prone to injury. In fact, they are so small that the mere sight of them ruined many a first date with presumptuous women years ago. And to top things off, I once saw an episode of “Mystery Diagnosis” about a man who contracted something called a “Nosocomial infection” from tetanus which continues to terrify me to this day because if penicillin can’t help, then I want no part of it.
Next came the painting of the black cable wire which extended 20-plus feet above me. As I stepped upon the first rung an interesting thought came to mind: America not only has the most gun-related deaths but also the most deaths by ladder (355 since 2004 to be exact). How about that! Ladders aren’t guns but maybe a similar logic applies, I thought to myself. If guns don’t kill people and its people that kill people then ladders can’t really kill people; but what about people with ladders? Ten feet up and climbing I looked down at my smiling, beautiful wife and felt especially safe with the knowledge that my life insurance policy
was there should her thin arms- almost perfectly designed for ballet but not for stabilizing a combined 300 pounds of rickety accident-waiting-to-happen- fail to support me.
Thankfully, my ankles (which incidentally are at the bottom percentile in circumference for males) held up and I was able to paint the cable wire to match the color of our house so that our home has now been stripped of the last remaining shred of individuality a tract home can ever enjoy. There are critics who have pointed out subtle imperfections in the Sistine Chapel which go unnoticed by the 20,000 visitors who witness its magnificence every day. If this is the case, then then my handiwork should be sufficient to satisfy the next visit by our esteemed H.O.A representative and provide a nice backdrop for our routinely-visiting pack of coyotes while they dismember small animals outside of our bedroom window while we try and sleep.
So in conclusion, we have completed the violation repairs within the time frame you provided and thus avoided the additional “administrative costs” that we may have incurred. Unless of course, those additional charges would be sent to a fund to help Hispanic children with tetanus who are survivors of coyote attacks and/or ladder falls.
Thank you, Chris Acosta