I have no children, but I’ll assess your paternal instinct anyway!
1) You’re looking for a movie to watch for family movie night, so you fire up the ol’ Netflix to pick something out. Which is more suitable for three kids of ages ranging from 5 to 8, one of which has a bedwetting problem?
A) Finding Nemo
C) Requiem for a Dream
D) Two hours of them watching you play Grand Theft Auto
2) You’ve just been let of prison after a six- month stretch for impersonating your twin brother during a gas station robbery. You have four kids from three different women. Which kids do you visit first after getting out of the pokey?
A) You organize a court-supervised picnic so you can see them all at once.
B) See the one you owe the least child support to first.
C) I have kids?
D) Whichever one’s new “dad” you can beat up in his front lawn most easily.
3) You’ve just become a new step dad. How do assert your place as a proper member of the family?
A) Approach the situation with love and respect, letting the kids know that you’re not there to replace their father or distract their mother, but to do everything possible to get to know them.
B) Show up drunk constantly to your new wife’s work until she gets fired. That way you’re the sole breadwinner in the house and you can now demand the respect you deserve from small children.
C) Buy lots of gifts for just one of the kids and watch them compete fiercely for your affections.
D) Be sure to marry in with a crippling amount of credit card and student loan debt, and then constantly remind your new brood that you won’t be able to send them to anything but taxidermy school.
4) One of your kids is misbehaving, and is even known to pick on his little brother. What do you do?
A) Discourage such behavior and try to set a positive model for behavior for your children.
B) Teach the younger sibling how exact revenge, even going so far as to instruct him on how to take the fall for things he didn’t do.
C) Make him break all his toys and then donate them to charity.
D) Instruct the misbehaving youth in a lesson of morality, where you are only in the wrong if you get caught.
Alright, let’s look at some results! Give yourself 1 point for every “A” that you answered. If you answered anything other than “A,” then I have already called Humboldt Child Welfare Services.