How to Deal with Cops

Look, if there’s one thing that totally sucks, it’s running into the police and then dealing with the police. Unless that policeman happens to be a stripper. (This is a tricky thing to find out. Sometimes you think you’re dealing with a cop and you’re all paranoid and swallow handfuls of sweet sweet black tar heroin just to look down and realize there is now a weiner on your elbow. Oops, now you feel yourself nodding off and slipping away into the afterlife and you’ll hardly be able to enjoy this incredible lap dance. Thanks a lot, heroin!)

So the first thing to do when you run into a cop before you swallow anything is grab his nuts. If the cop is a female, please skip this step, since it is very hard to find a woman’s nuts. They love squirreling them away for winter.

As a fair and balanced reporter I feel as though I should bring up the fact that I’ve never actually seen nuts. I don’t have them personally. My doctor told me nuts are for sinners so he removed them one dark and stormy night as I lay next to a dead goat on top of a pentagram clutching eight cloves of garlic.

Anyway, yeah if your cop is a man and you grab his nuts and he’s all like, “Ooooh yeah daddy! That’s the stuff!” then good news, you’re dealing with a stripper. Well, actually, you’re either dealing with a stripper or a really horny cop, which both are good news. Horny cops are generally pretty chill when it comes to letting you go, although they DO really, really like to frisk.

However, if your cop has nuts and you grabbed them and he is not like, “Ooooh yeah” then, uh oh, you have a problem. The best thing to do in this situation is to pretend you’re very foreign. Say something like, “Greetings, I am not of this planet. I have come to please the police in a sexual manner. I am from the distant star known only as Gilagnarock. It is where the Earthly reptilian overlords meet and all us residents in this far away galaxy are taught to suck and fuck anyone in uniform. We have found a way to make those that enforce the law experience more pleasure in three seconds than they will experience in 38 lifetimes.”

Now usually if you say that, the cops will let you off with just a ticket. However, if you have run into a cop that is a real hardass and wants to put you in prison for the rest of your life, then you might need to go to your last resort. The only thing that really helps me in these situations is exposing a plot so deep, so convoluted, that only you are smart enough to blow the lid off this thing. You know, kinda like the Da Vinci Code or The Fugitive. This will make the cop stop to rethink his existence so hard that his head will explode. That way you can go home and finish jacking off. WARNING: This plot most likely goes all the way to the top. No one is safe. Just when you think you have it all figured out, you realize you have NO idea how deep this goes.

I know what you’re thinking, you’re sitting there reading this article saying out loud to yourself, “Well, it can’t go much farther than the distant star known only as Gilagnarock.” Well, you’re wrong, buddy. The distant star known as Gilagnarock is just the tip of the iceberg. If you can’t think of any major secret plot to expose, just start screaming, “The one-armed man!” until they let you go.

Thanks for reading!

About Cornell Reid

Cornell is a super funny dude who consistently cracks everyone he comes into contact with up. He kinda has the midas touch but for laughs not gold, which is way way less valuable. Cornell grew up in Arcata and everyone said he was "hella tight." Now he lives in LA where he is a very popular stand-up comedian. All of his audiences refer to him as "hella tight." The president recently held a press conference where he said "the country may be going to shit but at least Cornell is hella tight."

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