How To Eat

If you’re new to this whole eating thing, you’ve come to the right place. Here’s how to keep from making a fool of yourself when you’re dining:

ONLY EAT THE FOOD
This tip gets by some people — especially women. If you are eating the silverware or the other diners, you are doing it wrong. Look for the things like bread and green vegetables. Those are the things you should be eating.

CHEW WITH YOUR TEETH
You put the food in your mouth, and then you move your mandibles up and down or side to side and crush the food into a digestible paste. If you don’t have teeth, you’re doing it wrong.

FORKS CAUSE CANCER — USE YOUR HANDS
Don’t pick up that spoon, neither. It will give you AIDS, maybe. Just take the bowl of soup and slurp from it. If there is meat on your plate, pick it up with your fingers and put the meat in your mouth. Sustenance is key. Give yourself sustenance so you can play disc golf later.

BUSH DID 9/11
There is ample evidence that George W. Bush and a team of over 2,000 secretive white helpers did the attacks on September 11, 2001. None of them has leaked the secret yet, but I suspect they did it.

EAT YOUR DESSERT FIRST
If you don’t do this, you’ll have to “make room” for dessert, which involves throwing up your dinner in the toilet. “Making room” isn’t necessary, though — just order that dessert now, and later ask for some calamari rings or duck or whatever. That way you get the sugar and fats your body needs to play disc golf later.

PLAY DISC GOLF LATER
The only way to burn off the significant calories you gained from your meal of cake and duck is to hit the course in the woods and toss the ol’ small frisbee around. Make sure you try to hit the thing you’re aiming for, and remember: “Keep eating.”

About Zack Newkirk

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