The easiest way to grow nugs or “Merry-hana” as it’s called in the dictionary is a process that involves many steps. It takes a true genius to grow nugs in this easy way. If you’re not a genius like me then you won’t even understand this 700-step process and you’ll be a loser for the rest of your life. Sorry peons but only real heady heads of the smartest mans like me know how to pop fat nugs out da ground. Guaranteed to make it dank. You’re gonna smoke it and be like “dang dats sum dank nug dawg” and ur hat is gonna twist around your head until it shoots 300,000 miles into the air and then orbits around the sun until it settles gently right on top of the sun’s head backwards.
Anyway the easiest way to grow nugs is to scrape all the resin out of your bong and eat it. Then you need to buy the biggest bottle of plant nutrients you can find. Chug it. Once you hurl, take the spew that you hurled and toss it into a deep dark pit. You know, the one that you dug to throw your dead dog in but then you realized that you don’t have a dog or a yard. You just dug a deep hole in the middle of your living room for no damn reason. Well now you have a reason. To grow some super duper sticky icky icky icky icky icky icky icky icky indoor biznud bud.
Cover the hurl with dirt and water the hole for 14 days. The easiest way to water for 14 days is find a nearby pipe underground and smash it open. Flooding is the best watering, as Dr Farmer John Carnutz told us. If you can’t stop the watering after 14 days don’t worry it’s cool. Underwater weed is the newest best kept secret. It’s the only weed JFK grows in his secret compound on the “moon”. I say “moon” because we all know the moon is a myth made up by the liberal media to make us think werewolves are mind controlled, but I don’t need to get into that.
Anyway, after your livingroom is underwater and your weed starts to sprout it’s time to give it that herby flavor. I like to mix dried dill with basil, then pour that on a flat screen tv and toss it in the water (plugged in of course.) Oh I hope you’ve been peeing on the plant too. Pee is what gives weed its crystals. The more dehydrated the pee the danker the crystals.
Punch a hole through the door on your microwave and turn it on for three years. After three years your weed should be ready to go! Take the buds off and sell them for $76,000 each.
Man all this talk about growing weed is making my lips wet with mouth water. I’m gonna smoke some fyah dank right now baby! Here’s a smokers tip, for an extra smooth toke, fill your bong with water.