How to Hack Hell

Let’s face it, we’re going to hell. You thought maybe you’d skate by because you gave some homeless chick you thought was hot a roach from your car’s ashtray a ride, but that’s really not gonna save you. We’re all falling down that dark hot hole deep far far down into the burning fire known as hell.

So great, you’re in hell. It’s not ideal but hey, death is what you make it. You can spend the rest of eternity being sad and feeling bad for yourself, or you can do what I’m gonna do….HACK HELL!

That’s right baby, this is a hell hack article.

The people in hell are going to demand a lot of your time because they’re all assholes, not to mention demons and most of all the freaking DEVILS are assholes too. All these guys want to do is corner you and talk your ear off about their problems and what you did to them, how you ran over their cat or pissed on their cat or how you got their cat high and made out with their cat while you watched the whole first season of Will & Grace on Netflix. Either way they’re gonna want to confront you but come on, we don’t have time for that. We’re in hell, baby! I already got enough conflict in here, and I’m trying to avoid it ALL! That’s why these handy tips will help you slip by without having to have so many annoying conversations.

1) Pray really hard or something so that you go to heaven all the sudden

In the movies they always have someone go to hell for a while but they end up in heaven. How do they do it? I don’t know, I don’t watch those movies because they’re boring and they don’t usually have enough boinking going on to sustain my interest for two hours. My best guess is they start praying like “oh God, I’m really sorry about being such a bad boy, I want to be good, honest! I want to hang with the nerds and talk about how I’ve never jacked off.” Then presto, you’re in heaven! (NOTE: Make sure you’re praying to God, not Satan)

2) Be Annoying

If you’re annoying enough, no one is going to want to talk to you. Just only talk about Sublime for the rest of eternity. Talk about how you don’t practice santeria and how you don’t have a crystal ball. Bring up the smoke 2 joints song Sure you might have to endure some conversations at the beginning (especially with Bradley Nowell) but about 3 weeks in people will get what you’ve got… loving (Sublime.)

3) Find the Biggest Strongest Demon and Beat Him Up

I don’t know, this sounded like a good idea at first, but now I’m thinking the biggest strongest demon in Hell is probably Satan? Well I guess it still applies, if you can beat the shit out of Satan then hell will probably be a pretty smooth ride after that. I mean you’ll get the bonus of getting to dish out all the punishment instead of taking it. That sounds fun! Hey Regis Philbin, here’s another long hot thing going in a place that’s not so comfortable! Plus you probably get to hang with Prince and that’s cool.
Well that’s it. Good luck to all you sinners and see you in hell. Please come by and let me know if you’ve read my article. I always love meeting my fans, even if it’s while burning in an eternal fire.

About Cornell Reid

Cornell is a super funny dude who consistently cracks everyone he comes into contact with up. He kinda has the midas touch but for laughs not gold, which is way way less valuable. Cornell grew up in Arcata and everyone said he was "hella tight." Now he lives in LA where he is a very popular stand-up comedian. All of his audiences refer to him as "hella tight." The president recently held a press conference where he said "the country may be going to shit but at least Cornell is hella tight."

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