How to Make $$$ FAST!!!

Hey you, want to make money? Good! Because money makes the world go round. Yup money is responsible for turning this perfectly flat earth of ours round and round like a Papa John’s chef tossing that hand made delicious dough that makes that robust flavorful pizza pie for us, the lucky and soon to be satisfied customer.

If you want to make the money well you gotta have money, my friends. You gotta have money to make money so if you want to make money make sure you have it. If you don’t have money then don’t even think about making money. Already have some money but want to make more? Cool, you can make money because you already have it. But if you don’t have money you ain’t making no money so kiss that money goodbye and pls stop reading this article!

BEWARE! Money is the root of all evil. We all know by now that money makes the world go round but what we don’t know is that it is going round and round down Satan’s toilet bowl to Hell. Maybe next time you make money you should hold a seance or rub a smudge stick on it to get rid of all of the evil in it. Then your money will be the root of all, like, not evil but also not good but definitely not evil which is much chiller to live with than money that definitely is evil.

Money doesn’t grow on trees, which is really unfortunate but I’m not good at harvesting stuff off trees anyway. I have a lemon tree and I hardly pick those things. Odds are, if I had a money tree I’d just let the money fall off to the ground, slowly turn brown and moldy and eventually just attract multiple families of skunks to come join the lemon skunks in my front yard. Plus money is the root of all evil. Trees have roots. Money. Trees. Roots. Rock. Reggae….you get it.

Vince Vaughn tells Jon Favreau that he is so money he doesn’t even know it. Wow, first off this is sad. I want to clue Jon Favreau specifically into my article to let him know of Vince Vaughn’s sinister plan. Since you need money to make money, Vince Vaughn is actually using Jon Favreau (who is money) to get a Jon Favreau clone made so that he can have double his money. This money would be twice the original money and both of the Favreau’s would still totally not even know how money they were. Once Vince Vaughn has two Jon Favreau’s then he can make 4 then 8 etc etc until he has an army of Jon Favreau clones that will rapidly inherit the earth. Once they inherit the earth, money (the Jon Favreau army) would obviously be the root of all evil because they have inherited the entire earth AND because Vince Vaughn is their overlord.

Mutual Funds.

Anyway, that’s the end of this step-by-step guide to making money fast. Please remember me when you’re rich! Thank you. Sincerely, your writer, Cornell Reid.

About Cornell Reid

Cornell is a super funny dude who consistently cracks everyone he comes into contact with up. He kinda has the midas touch but for laughs not gold, which is way way less valuable. Cornell grew up in Arcata and everyone said he was "hella tight." Now he lives in LA where he is a very popular stand-up comedian. All of his audiences refer to him as "hella tight." The president recently held a press conference where he said "the country may be going to shit but at least Cornell is hella tight."

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3 comments

  1. Sorry friend, that is the most mis quoted verse in the bible.
    Money is NOT the root to all evil…
    The LOVE of money…is the root to all evil.
    1 Timothy 6:10.

  2. You see, when we put anything before the love of God we are asking for problems, lot’s of problems!

  3. The fees on actively managed mutual funds outweigh any benefits over passive index funds

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