So you’ve decided to become a hillbilly. Congratulations, this could very well be the smartest decision of your life. You’ve bought the overalls but now what? Well it’s time to pack your pockets with the essentials. Here’s what you will need to start your new life as a backwards, violent mountain person.
Hillbillies average one car for 13 people so if you’re trying to go shop at Victoria’s Secret or something you’re going to need a smartphone to call Lyft or Uber.
It’s a fake wallet. There’s no money in it or anything, just a few gum wrappers and a used condom you found on the side of the road. But wallets aren’t just for holding money or condoms, they’re for holding your confidence. Wallets make you feel like a real member of society each time you slip one into your pocket. Plus it has a real bad ass dragon painted on it with some flames to boot.
Don’t get me wrong, roadkill is great but but sometimes it needs that extra zip and/or zap. Occasionally you’re going to eat skunk for the 4th night in a row. Sure you’ve tried to spice it up with skunk sushi or skunksagna but eventually it just all starts to taste like skunk. Sriracha will help give that skunk a higher taste profile.
Believe it or not, the hillbilly life is a dirty one. You have 13 children pooping and peeing all over the place, you have no water and your bed is a pile of your children’s poop and pee. You’re going to need that hand sanitizer to drink so you can handle everyday life.
$55,000 in Cash
It’s always nice to have some cash on hand. Maybe you’ll find that bracelet you’ve always wanted, or maybe you just want to escape on a spa day to refresh. $55,000 in cash is essential if you feel like splurging.
Hillbillies are always hollering which really makes it hard to rest. There’s no such thing as a hillbilly inside voice because none of their houses or cars have roofs so they’re always technically outside. Earplugs will not only keep the hollering out of your ears, it will also keep the bird crap out too.
How to Play the Jug Informational Pamphlet
You really need to read up on how to play the jug. It is much more difficult than you’d think. You’ll have to drink the entire jug of moonshine before you play it which means you’ll be pretty drunk. If you’re not fully prepared you will embarrass yourself in hoedown and fill that jug with puke, instead of music.