Humboldt’s Most Eligible Bachelor – April 2013

Emily Hobelmann, contributor 

It’s spring! Flowers are blooming everywhere, and they smell amazing. But then S.H.I.T. caught a whiff of a sweet-something-else in the air. We followed the scent all the way down to Southern Humboldt, and lo! We found…

Kelby, 41, Hospitality Specialist, Garberville 

Kelby is one dreamy slice of man-pie with his dark-eyes and warm, café au lait skin. His friends call him “Ruckus,” and sure, he can be a little (a lot) wild and crazy, but that’s only after he handles his biz as a sweet and dedicated dad. (Kelby is a total DILF.) Kelby stands at 6’2″, and he’s got the solid manliness that comes with being of Cherokee and Mexican descent.

He is a playboy, but he’s really rather charming and sweet. Before landing in SoHum, Kelby devoted much of his life
to working as a professional stage hand in LA and Las Vegas. Indeed, the icing on the Kelby-cake is his ongoing pyrotechnics gig at the annual PBR finals in Vegas. (That’s PBR as in Professional Bull Riders — though Kelby regularly detonates tall boys too.)

Lucky for you, S.H.I.T. got a chance to sit down with this Don Juan up over some breakfast at the Blue Room, and we got the scoop on what type of ladies he wants for his spring sexy-time.

IN THREE WORDS: “I’m crazy fun and really crazy shy.” That’s more like six words, but who cares? He’s hot.

WHAT HE’S SEEKING: Casual, open-minded romance with free-spirited, confident ladies that smile a lot.

ASS GUY OR TITS GUY: “Flip a coin,” he laughs. Kelby also loves him some feet — “I can rub feet all day long,” he says, “but I won’t be sucking the toe jam out of ’em.” Note to self: schedule a shower and a pedicure a.s.a.p.

TURN OFFS: Kelby is turned off by pill-popping psychopaths and sailor-mouthed women. He offers sage advice here: “If you do take pills, don’t drink vodka.” Amen.

ZEN MASTER: I go day-by-day and smile,” he says with a flash of his complete set of pearly whites. Fair warning ladies: Kelby will charm the pants right off of ya!

SCIENTIFIC PROGNOSIS: “It’s the solar flares on the sun that I’m getting concerned about; I guess they’re getting real bad right now.” Fuckin A right they are.

 

Kelby needs a woman with a warped sense of humor that can handle her shit, because — lest you forget, he’s been known to cause the occasional ruckus. But he always keeps it light. Kelby says, “I think I’m the luckiest guy on Earth”, and you can see the truth in that behind his eyes.

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