Samantha Gilweit, contributor
He was supposed to be big. He was supposed to be destructive. He was supposed to be the storm of the century. But to everyone’s surprise and chagrin, Jeffrey made landfall as a tepid category one hurricane.
“Look, I knew Jeff as a tropical storm off the coast of Panama. We all had big hopes. He had category five written all over him. I don’t know what happened,” said Steven Peterson, a meteorologist with the National Weather Service. “I mean, maybe the pressure was just too high.”
Whether it due to pressure or other factors, there is little doubt that Jeffrey did not live up to expectations. News reports warned that Jeffrey would make landfall early Sunday evening off the Mississippi and Alabama coasts. Residents were told days ahead to evacuate and make preparations.
“I just cain’t believe we closed the bait and tackle shop for this measly horse piss,” said disappointed Biloxi, Mississippi resident Reanne Forsythe. “I mean, I had my husband board up all the windows for Jeffrey. I was hoping for a little damage so we could collect on the insurance money.”
Her husband, Darnell Forsythe, concurred. “Let’s just say Jeffrey didn’t have his eye on the ball, so to speak.” Mr. Forsythe then nudged a nearby fisherman while chuckling softly, “Get it? Eye? Eye on the ball? Eye of the storm? Hurricane humor.”
However, not all of the residents were upset by Hurricane Jeffrey’s lackluster performance. Mary Lou Winstead of New Orleans, for one, was delighted.
“Is everyone else around me on crack?” said Mary Lou as she unpacked her Volvo station wagon upon returning from evacuating to her sister’s house in West Texas. “Who the fuck wants a hurricane to do well?”
But it seems like the opinions held by Mary Lou were definitely in the minority. Taylor St. Lego Jermaine, the mayor of Gulfport, Mississippi, appeared on KTSV news early Monday morning to express the collective outrage towards Jeffrey and to remind residents of better times.
“Remember Hurricane Oswaldo, Jr.? Now that was a storm that knew how to get the job done. Makes Jeffrey look like a kid’s doodling of a rain cloud in comparison,” said St. Lego Jermaine. “I didn’t even need to get out my galoshes for Jeffery.”
Unfortunately, Jeffrey could not be reached for an interview.