I’d Like a Diet Koch, Please

The Koch brothers are two billionaire industrialists that have, in recent years, taken up the hobby of influencing public policy by just throwing lobs of money at political election campaigns in order to further their own agendas of smaller government, lower taxes, less regulation of things such as the environment, etc. They just pledged a plan to spend $889 million on the 2016 presidential and congressional elections. 889 million dollars. To put that into perspective, the entire Republican National Committee has only raised around $650 million. But rather than go into how an entire political party’s agenda is now in the myopic vision of two out-of-touch oligarchs, how about I just generate a list of ways I’d rather see $889 million spent:

  • Buy a business card sized ad in Savage Henry for the next 6,838,461 issues (trust me, that’s a deal.

  • Invest in a public smear campaign against their rivals, the Pehpsee Twins

  • Run for office themselves! (please, don’t)

  • Help a brother out and pay off Josh’s crippling student loans/gambling debt

  • Invest in real estate by purchasing the floating continent of garbage that’s out there somewhere.

  • Fund every kickstarter for six months. (that’s about $750 million).

  • Write everybody in the United States a check for $2.81.

  • Write me a check for $889 million.

  • Fund a Green Party candidate, just to see what happens.

  • Buy Sarah Godlin a bottle of wine.

  • Cash that money into $1 bills and sleep on it.

  • Pay off Uwe Boll so that he promises to never make another movie.

  • Find more interesting uses for bacon.

About Josh Duke

Josh is an editor for Savage Henry Independent Times, He resides in Arcata, CA. When not performing stand up comedy or performing improv with Random Acts of comedy, you can follow him on Twitter @BonusMcHustle

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