If I Was Your Boyfriend

Justin Bieber, contributor (as sung to Zack Newkirk, staff)

If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go. I can take you places you ain’t never been before. Baby, take a chance or you’ll never ever know. I got money in my hands that I’d really like to blow. Swag, swag, swag, on you. Chillin’ by the fire while we eatin’ fondue. I don’t know about me but I know about you. So say hello to falsetto in three, two, swag.

[falsetto] Here are the ways in which your life would be different if I was your boyfriend:

1) YOU WOULD NEVER HAVE TO WONDER ABOUT MY POLITICAL LEANINGS AGAIN

If I was your boyfriend, I’d tell you all about who I was voting for, and why. I would speak about my social and political concerns earnestly and honestly. I would express my desire for you to vote for Hillary in the 2016 election. I would have my driver take you to your local voting center, and I would be disappointed to find out that you had voted in a way counter to my own.

2) YOU WOULD ALWAYS BE HUNGRY

There is no food around me, ever. My trainer, Narl, says food is how fat gets on you, and I’m tryin’a get all hripped. I can’t get hripped with food around, so I just stick to pot and drugs and coke and weed and alcohol, then I work out 8-9 hours a day. I would bench press you, girl; but seriously, no food.

3) YOU WOULD NEVER BE CHASED BY COYOTES AGAIN

Rule one for me, personally: no coyotes eat my girl. Not never. You and me, we’d roll around in a helicopter — heck, maybe two helicopters joined by two Solo cups attached with a string — so no coyotes could reach you, girl. Or me. No coyotes will eat me neither, girl. Coyotes already ate one too many girls in my life: My mother, my grandmother, my other grandmother, and Tyne Daly. No more girls get eaten by coyotes on JB’s watch.

4) YOU WOULD NEVER FIND MY GOLD

I hid my gold, baby girl. It’s hid so good, and you ain’t never gonna find my gold. It ain’t in my backyard, I’ll tell you that much. No, stay away from my backyard. Ain’t no gold there. Please don’t go back there. I’ll tell Narl. Hey. Hey! Narl! Narl! She’s going into my back yard, man!

5) NARL, NEITHER OF US CAN TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS, EVER

No… no…. I can’t — I — I can’t believe you just did that… She’s… she’s dead. She’s dead, Narl! What did you do, Narl? What? I didn’t tell you to kill her, dude! Oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man. What are we gonna do, Narl? Well, duh! Of course we gotta hide the body, Narl! I ain’t goin’ down for this! Hey, hey! Hey! Hey! Look at me! Blood oath, man. You never tell a soul, I never tell a soul. Snap out of it! Narl! I’m talkin’ to  you, Narl! Look at me! Look at me!

About Zack Newkirk

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