I’m a Feminist, and That’s Why Shelley, the Baby Vessel, Should Let Me Name Her Baby

Tiffany Greysen, contributor

 

Some of you may or may not know that I’ve been on a quest to name someone else’s baby. It started after I renamed my friend’s cat “David,” which was a total high. It was it was about a year after that when I was in an elevator with a woman who was in full-blown active labor that I imagined that I was going to get to deliver that baby. I imagined that if I did deliver her baby, she would owe it to me to either name her baby after me or let me name her baby; unfortunately, she had her baby in a traditional birthing unit. Ugh.

 

Since then I’ve been passively searching for someone who will let me name their baby. Then, it happened: a woman from my work is going to have a baby. Let’s call her “Shelley the Vessel.”

 

So Shelley the Vessel tells me she’s expecting, and that’s when I knew this is the baby that I want to name. Shelley the Vessel is a no-nonsense kind of lady, so I just asked her, “Hey Shelley the Vessel, can I name your baby?” and she replied, “Sure.” Clearly Shelley the Vessel is either really easy-going or she might be blowing a little bit of smoke. Regardless, she said yes, so the baby is mine to name. Shelley the Vessel doesn’t strike me as anyone who would want to end up in court over a breach of contract*.

 

To further secure our pact, I decided a little bribery couldn’t hurt, so I’ve been baby-shopping like a grandmother-to-be. The best gift is a bassinet upon which I’m going to embroider the baby’s name, because according to the prophecy, you can’t change a baby’s name after it’s been embroidered on a bassinet that’s been given as a gift. Then, finally, what kind of baby vessel wouldn’t let me name her baby after writing an article about it?

 

Got baby boy names? Throw them to me via Twitter @TiffanyGreysen

 

*Not a threat

 

Tiffany Greysen is a standup comedian and writer from Portland-ish, Oregon. She is a freelance writer for several humor publications. Her comedy is part advice columnist, and part parenting guide… neither of which should be followed. You can find her on Twitter as @TiffanyGreysen or on Facebook by name.

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