An Inside Look at the Rebranding of the Louvre

Pierre Q. Louvre: All right guys, gather around. I have called this meeting because, quite frankly, this museum is hemorrhaging money. It seems the youth don’t want to see paintings and sculptures anymore. They would rather play laser tag, skateboard, and enjoy the vast array of Internet pornography. The point of this meeting is, we have to find a way to re-brand these masterpieces so that John and Jane Q Public find them interesting again. Remember team, there are no bad ideas. Maria, let’s start with you

Maria: We could rename the Mona Lisa?

Pierre Q. Louvre: That’s what I’m talking about! Let’s shake things up here! Rattle some cages! What would we call it?

Maria: (long pause) we could call it “That Fugly Bitch?”

Pierre Q. Louvre: Okay, remember there are no bad ideas… except for that one. Louis, anything you would like to add?

Louis:  How about we call it “My Filthy Whore of an Ex-wife Who Banged THE GODDAMN MAILMAN!”

Pierre Q. Louvre: Okay, alright, let’s put a pin in the renaming of the Mona Lisa. We all have problems but we leave that shit at the door. This is the Louvre. Who else has some ideas? Nathan?

Nathan: How about a Frida Kahlo-inspired mustache-grooming station with accompanying PSA on the dangers of an unkempt mustache? We could call it the “Mustache Smustache Fun Station.”

Pierre Q. Louvre: Good God! That is incredibly offensive. Somehow that is offensive to all five senses. Jesus Christ, guys! No more titles that rhyme! We are the Louvre, not TGI FUCKING FRIDAYS! Adrien, any ideas that are not the GODDAMN WORST?

Adrien: How about we offer a day where people can do anything with Michelangelo’s David? And I mean anything. Let the people get weird.

Pierre Q. Louvre: What the hell do you mean “get weird”?  Are you trying to tell me that you…?

Adrien: Fucked that statue six ways from Sunday? Yes I am. Me and that statue got real weird. I’m talking delete your internet history weird. I’m talking that if you shined a black light on the son of a bitch you would need to wear sunglasses.

Pierre Q. Louvre: Good sweet God in heaven, that idea is both terrible and… well, fuck, it’s just terrible.

Louis: How about renaming Monet’s Water Lilies?

Pierre Q. Louvre: Alright! See, that’s an idea that doesn’t make my soul sad. What would we call it?

Louis: WE CALL IT “WHERE I’M GONNA BURY MY CHEATING WHORE OF AN EX-WIFE!”

Pierre Q. Louvre: Louis, I’m gonna need you to calm down.

Louis: I’m GONNA NEED YOU TO BUILD ME A FUCKING TIME MACHINE SO I CAN GO BACK AND NOT MARRY THAT MAILMAN-BANGING HARLOT!

Pierre Q. Louvre: Camille, you just going to sit there looking all French? What are your ideas?

Camille: How about a Georgia O’Keeffe walk through exhibit? We could call it “Tip-Toe Through the Tulips.” They could all be scratch and sniff.

Pierre Q. Louvre: That’s actually not bad. What would they smell like?

Camille:  Vaginas… Duh.

Pierre Q. Louvre: There are not enough hours in the day for me to explain to you how awful that idea is. All right, any last thoughts for today? Jules, how about you put some lettuce on this shit sandwich of a meeting? Ideas?

Jules: How about we just offer booze?

Pierre Q. Louvre: (single tear rolls down his face) Jules, my boy, you have just saved the Louvre! This meeting is adjourned.

Twitter@JoshArgyle

 

About Josh Argyle

Josh Argyle is a Stand-up comedian and writer. He is the San Francisco bureau chief of Savage Henry Independent Times and contributing writer. He is a co-producer of the S.H.I.Ts and giggles comedy festival in Arcata California. You can check out Joshs website josh-argyle.com for videos and show dates. Are you still reading this? Jesus we are in a recession, go out and invent some shit.

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