Interviews with People Who Haven’t Seen Star Wars

Mark Manning, contributor

The resurgence of Star Wars fandom kindled curiosity within me. As the pressure to be a part of the hype intensified, the few who had not even seen the original Star Wars trilogy became exposed. I talked to outed friends about how they’ve avoided seeing any of the movies (or worse – forgotten if they had even seen the movies) and quizzed them on what they know. I assigned them aliases based on the incorrect names they used in the interview because they demanded anonymity from the soon-to-be enraged mob of Star Wars nerds.

Interviewee #1: Jabba the Hun

Mark Manning: How do people react when they hear that you haven’t seen Star Wars?

Jabba the Hun: Week and a half ago, I was in a bar bathroom. Both urinals were occupied, so I decided to go to the stall. The two guys at the urinals were very giddily talking about the new Star Wars movie coming out. Next thing I know, this guy pokes his head over the stall. I coulda been doing a twosie! He was like “Are you on the good side or the dark side?”

I said, “I don’t know how to explain this to you man, cause I can see how happy you are, but I’ve never seen Star Wars before.” He made me pick, so I picked the Dark Side. He was okay with me not having seen it, but he was also pretty drunk. I think he was looking for a friend.

MM: How have you made it this far without seeing Star Wars?

JTH: I’ve seen bits and pieces when it’s on TV. The scene where they’re all in the bar and the scene where what’s his name is flying his spaceship through the canals of the spaceship everyone must live on. He’s chasing a butterfly fighter jet.

MM: Are their any other parts of the plot you can recap?

JTH: Something to do with Harrison Ford growing up and his dad being Darth Vader. … I wasn’t thrilled with Harrison Ford’s performance in the last Indiana Jones.

MM: Saying that will help you win back fans you’ve lost by not seeing Star Wars.

JTH: I’ve been boycotting Star Wars ever since the last Indiana Jones movie.


Interviewee #2: Chimwanga the Wookie

MM: How do people generally react when they find out you haven’t seen Star Wars?

Chimwanga the Wookie: Wasn’t a big deal until the dude bought the series and is making a new one.

MM: So you were able to skate by until now.

CTW: Well yeah. Guys always think it’s cool because then they can watch it with you and it’s romantic but it’s like the least romantic movie on the planet.

MM: How much of the plot can you recap?

CTW: The words goes triangularly at some point. You can’t read it. They scroll it too fast. I do remember that. So that’s why I don’t know the plot.

MM: Have you seen Star Wars?

CTW: I’ve probably seen Star Wars. Cause there’s Princess Leia, who everyone has to dress up like once in their life. Maybe seen 25% of a movie. The plot is this dude and his dad. And there’s this princess and a robot. That might be Star Trek. That’s the other problem, is that I always get the two confused.

[later in the interview]

CTW: I also watched it around the same time I read Ender’s Game. And it was confusing to me cause they were pretty similar. But I don’t remember what Ender’s Game was about.

MM: There is a sci fi part of your brain that’s just a blender.


Interviewee #3: Big Bear with the Epic Little Fanny Pack

MM: How have you made it this far without seeing Star Wars?

Big Bear with the Epic Little Fanny Pack: Besides the fact I’m uninterested? No one’s forced me. I’ve only seen the Family Guy version, which I hated more than I think I’d hate the original movies. I’m a pretty strong willed person.

MM: On a scale of 1-10, how interested are you in seeing the new Star Wars movie?

BBwtELFP: Zero, cause I’m not gonna see it, probably only see it if I was trying to impress someone. Actually, I’d go for the popcorn. [Editor’s note: At press time, it was reported this individual has a ticket purchased with plans to see the Force Awakens.]

Star Wars is unavoidable, like a Dianoga in a Death Star garbage compactor. You can only control the amount you let it invade your life. Everyone I interviewed knew Harrison Ford was involved, Obi Wan as Princess Leia’s only hope, and that Darth Vader was Luke’s father.

However, if you’re still upset by their relaxed attitude about a cultural phenomenon, relax. This page can also be removed and used for kindling for your fireplace.

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