Irrashonal Feers

Dr. Holtz, contributor

It has come to this writer’s attention that many out there are afraid, but of what, no one really knows exactly, except that you’re not going to let a stranger murder you.

The other day, a perfect stranger complimented me. Did I thank them? No. Did I insult them? No. Did I silently fast-walk past, and give them an over the shoulder glance only to see them licking their ice cream cone and decidedly not murdering me? Yes.

Did I overreact? One can never be too cautious. However, don’t treat anything in life so precious that you’re afraid to lose it. If you have the opportunity to talk to a stranger who compliments you on the street, maybe you should. Just don’t eat their ice cream, because it’s (probably) poisoned. Talk to them and you might be surprised at how little they try to murder you.*

I check the toilet before I sit down. I’ve heard stories of rats, snakes, or even scorpions taking a chunk out of “all you hold dear” when you let your guard down. Of course, I live in a place where these creatures are fairly absent, but you can never be too sure.  I’ve knocked out several non-poisonous spiders checking the bowl with a toilet brush, and one irate fire ant. I once kicked an ant pile, and missed an ant that crawled up my shorts. Its revenge was swift, but short-lived.

Mostly I swab the toilet bowl for aliens. People have stories about how they were abducted, but why would aliens do that? If aliens are as smart and economical as I am (and they probably are), they wouldn’t waste resources beaming you up, probing and implanting a tracking device in you, then erase your memory. They’d wait until you were on the toilet, fire the tracking device through the plumbing, and time it just right so you think, “Ewww… that was a big splash,” but in reality, you’re keistering a tracking device now.

Being alone after scary movies can be pretty scary, too. It seems silly, because that means you have the upward mobility to pay for a movie ticket, and afford your own apartment (or house!), which means you’ve already got most fears beat (where will I sleep/eat etc?), but still, one of the scariest things is taking a shower after a scary movie. Who knows what’s on the other side of the shower curtain? Scary.

*AUTHORS NOTE: I have tested this I theory only. If you are murdered, or a stranger makes an attempt, I cannot be held responsible.

 

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