Josh’s Diary

Dec. 31, 1999

Josh Barnes, contributor


I had been tasked with saving the US again. It wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be my last. It was, however, one of my favorite times. I landed in Rokko Island (Japan) and was greeted by 14 ninjas, and they all had weapons. I wasn’t unarmed; I had my weapons too: Pain and Justice (My Left and right fists respectively). I went straight Steven Seagal on them guys. Twelve broken arms and legs, 2 of them dead. I didn’t do it — they killed themselves out of fear. They jumped into the propellers.


It was gross.


I entered a big building, because, hello? Where else would evil be on a Japanese island on New Year’s? Just FYI guys, it wasn’t their New Year’s — more on that later. I went in and took the elevator up to the 13th floor (this is Japan, guys, they don’t share our superstition of the number 13). I got out and sent the elevator up to the next floor, which was the final floor. The elevator opened and I could hear about 19 sets of feet above me. I jumped through the ceiling, the crash killing 10. Another 6 of them died from fear after seeing my face; they screamed, “Black Death” in Japanese, or at least that’s what I translated it to (I took Japanese my Freshman year in High school).


Two of them were brave enough to fight me, and died spectacular deaths, which was considered an honor to them, I think — again, my apologies; my translation might be a little off. Oh, and the last guy lead me into the room of the head honcho. Guess what, guys, he was half Black and half Japanese and all Dickface.


He started rambling on and on about his master plan while I was holding his man captive, all with Justice (my right fist) aimed at his head. I realized he was stalling — it was 2 minutes till New Year’s in the U.S. He was babbling about this virus he had on this laptop still when I threw his own man across the room into him. I ran over to the laptop and entered in a 37-digit code that effectively destroyed the virus and then I broke the laptop over his head. I didn’t kill him, but let’s just say he isn’t all there in the head anymore. When I got back home 3 days later I had a debriefing and the President called to say thanks for stopping Y2K or something like that. I was like, “Word”. The part that sucked, though, was like I had to go back to school a few days later cause I was only a Junior in high school still and I had to keep up appearances. LAME!!

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