How to Keep Things Pleasurable When Wrapping it Up

Bruce Lynch, contributor

Your fancy dinner party was a great success and it’s time to start winding things down. The problem is that things seemed to go over a bit too well and your friends don’t want to leave! How can you get your guests to head home when all they are interested in doing is spending more time enjoying the festivities? Savage Henry is here with some effective and, above all, tactful ways to give your friends the signal that it’s time to head home.

Begin speaking about the night in the past tense. Try “What a great night that was!” or “We should do that again sometime!”

Close down the bar. When the alcohol dries up, your more energetic guests will look to keep the party going in another location.

Say that you have plans the following morning and need to get your sleep. “I have a job interview with the Yakuza tomorrow.”

Feign an illness that will give you an excuse to get some rest. While a migraine or a stomach ache may work, leprosy is a sure-fire way to score some sympathy.

A fake emergency is a good excuse to get some personal time. Start a grease fire in your kitchen. Apologize for the distraction, but make it clear that that particular grease is very important to you and you really should keep it from burning.

“Accidentally” let a racial epithet slip. People will want to leave to avoid the uncomfortable situation of seeing your neighbor react to being called a “honky carpetbagger.”

Say that you would like to spend some personal time with your family. “My fortune teller just called to tell me that I should say goodbye to my children because I will be murdered tomorrow. Apparently he just found out that I’ve been sleeping with his wife.”

Tell your guests that you’d like to show off your new pets, then release a swarm of bees. Most party-goers will not enjoy their company, and the rest will probably not want to commit to hearing the names and personality quirks of a bunch of bees.

About Savage Henry

Check Also

The Best Way to Stay Anonymous at Your Next Craigslist Orgy

Cornell Reid, staff   Sometimes when you’re perusing craigslist you accidentally end up RSVPing to …