Kenny Rogers Advice Column

Sometimes people write Kenny Rogers letters. Usually they just write fan letters that say stuff like “I love you” or “look at this picture of my butt” but every so often they write Kenny seeking advice. Why? I don’t know. Most likely because they are idiots. Kenny Rogers took the time to answer these people’s’ questions but he only had 1 stamp so he mailed all of their letters and his answers to us here at Savage Henry in the hopes that we would publish them. Seeing as we are short on hydro ads and diarrhea articles this month, we decided to publish these. Enjoy!

 

Dear Kenny Rogers,

My babies just won’t stop crying! I’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work. All three of my children (they’re triplets) have been standing at my feet and reaching up to me as if they’re reaching for apples with all six of their hands. I have no idea what to do, it’s been five days of nonstop crying and I can’t seem to help. Please give me some advice!

Signed,

Confused Mom

 

Dear Confused Mom,

Hold them.

-Kenny Rogers

Dear Kenny Rogers,

I have a bunch of clothes that just won’t fit in my drawers correctly. I stuff them and stuff them as hard as I can to try to get these drawers in my dresser to close but it hasn’t helped at all. Do you have any advice as to how I can possibly get all of my clothes into this dresser?

Signed,

Frustrated Husband

 

Dear Frustrated Husband,

Fold them.

-Kenny Rogers

Dear Kenny Rogers,

I have all these phone calls that I accidentally answered at the same time. I can’t possibly talk to all of them at once! What should I do with all these other phone calls?

Signed,

Anxious Telemarketer

 

Dear Anxious Telemarketer,

Hold them.

-Kenny Rogers

Dear Kenny Rogers,

This sick kid in the hospital asked me to take all these pieces of paper and make them into cranes. I have no idea what the hell he’s talking about. How does paper become a crane? I’ve tried cutting the paper and painting it but nothing seems to be working. Do you have any idea how I can make this sick kid’s dream come true?

Signed,

Depressed Nurse

 

Dear Depressed Nurse,

Fold them.

-Kenny Rogers

Dear Kenny Rogers,

I’m trying to eat this giant slice of New York pizza but it’s just too damn big! I have it lying on this plate and am just kind of marveling at its size and wondering how in the heck I’m going to fit this enormous thing in my mouth. I took a knife and fork and cut myself a small slice but then this guy mugged me. He must have known I was a tourist. What’s the best way for people to eat these giant New York pizza slices?

Signed,

Hungry Tourist

 

Dear Hungry Tourist,

Hold them then fold them.

-Kenny Rogers

Dear Kenny Rogers,

My ex-husband is suing for the custody of my kids. He’s an alcoholic and hasn’t been around since the children were born. I think he’s just doing this to get back at me and to impress his current girlfriend. I’m worried because the courts usually don’t rule in my favor because I don’t have enough money to invest in a good lawyer. What do you think I should do?

Signed,

Scared Mommy

 

Dear Scared Mommy,

Um…fold them?

-Kenny Rogers

Dear Kenny Rogers,

It’s me, Scared Mommy. I don’t think I really understood your response to my question. What are you suggesting I fold? My kids?

Signed,

Scared Mommy

 

Dear Scared Mommy,

Yes.

-Kenny Rogers

About Cornell Reid

Cornell is a super funny dude who consistently cracks everyone he comes into contact with up. He kinda has the midas touch but for laughs not gold, which is way way less valuable. Cornell grew up in Arcata and everyone said he was "hella tight." Now he lives in LA where he is a very popular stand-up comedian. All of his audiences refer to him as "hella tight." The president recently held a press conference where he said "the country may be going to shit but at least Cornell is hella tight."

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