You’ve got a lot to learn, kid. Who’s gonna teach you about the world? Teachers? Not on my watch. Let me guide you with my cumulative knowledge. I lived through rough times so that you don’t have to. Don’t make the same mistakes I made.
– If a stork brings you your baby, I’ve got bad news for you: that’s not how babies happen. That stork stole someone else’s baby and brought it to you.
– If the cowlick on the crown of your head goes counterclockwise, you’re gay. Now you don’t have to wonder anymore.
– George W. Bush did 9/11, and he also did all the mass shootings and hurricane Katrina and he directed The Zookeeper.
– That burro’s not gonna bite you. Don’t be a baby! Go on! Pet the burro! Here — hey, stop crying. I said stop! Here, give him this pack of Spree. Look, if I tell you to pet a burro, you’d better do it!
– I need someone to pick me up from the bus station at 3:30 on the 16th. Can you ask your mom if she’s free?
– I’ll be back in a minute. I’m just going out to get a pack of Camels.