Kooking Korner: xTREME Cuisine

“If it’s something that can be misspelled with a K, I’ll write about it!” 

We’ve all experienced it before: you cook up Bresse chicken-liver terrine or a powerhouse take on coq au vin, and your guests yawn at the results. Let me tell you: It can be downright maddening.

But it may just be that you haven’t gotten XTREME enough with your recipes. With my help, you can wow your guests with touches that range from merely elegant to those outrageously rococo.


Braisé de boeuf nourri à l’herbe à Copenhague au cours des frites françaises et les stéroïdes
This is a simple dish that requires only a few bold touches to bring it to a truly extreme level. Once the grass-fed beef is braised for 30 minutes, expectorate several good-sized hocks of any American brand of chewing tobacco onto the meat, then inject the slivers of beef with any garden-variety medicinal steroid (ask a San Francisco Giants trainer for the most effective type) and pan-bake over Burger King french fries for an additional 20 minutes. Garnish with clumps of clotted sour cream and several raw eggs for an experience your guests will surely be raving about to the police!

Ormeau brut s’est infiltrée dans la graisse de cheval servi sur les escalopes de chauve-souris

This one’s a barn-burner. The abalone can’t only be raw; it should also be rather spoiled. furthermore, the more aged the bat you find (test its wings for breakage), the more extreme its meat. It can be difficult in our fascist society to find pure horse fat for cooking, so talk to your local black-market grocer about procuring a gross of the item, as it will be essential in many other garden-variety extreme dishes down the road. A fun game to play with this dish is to ask your guests what they think they’re eating while they dine; usually only after an expensive emergency room visit do most find out what they’ve been served.

Les organes génitaux de l’anguille sautés dans la cage thoracique saumure avec Coke Zero-marinés crottes de loups

The most important ingredient in this exciting dish may just be the mustard. If you settle for something less than Western Family brand, you’re selling yourself short. Soak the eel genitals (separated) in the mustard for seven to 12 days, then make sure that the rib cage brine has plenty of mustard in it before sauteing. The rib cage of any garden-variety cat will suffice, though the most extreme choice would well be human, although troublesome to obtain. The wolf droppings, however, will be difficult to come by. Most markets are devoid of the stuff, so the most effective method of finding the ingredient might just be hiding in the woods for days, hoping a wolf will come by, then waiting silently while the wolf has BM. After the BM, take the item in hand and bike directly back to the kitchen and drop into a simmering pot of Coke Zero, for the fresher the wolf BM, the more extreme the garnish. P.s. make sure you keep the wolf BM away from the mustard, as it will overpower the delicate flavors of the wolf BM.

About Zack Newkirk


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