A Kumite* on Sesame Street

Zeke Herrera, contributor
*big ass karate fight

When I was 8 I watched two types of movies: kung fu movies and Space Jam. When I was 8 I also wrote this. The original still had a lot of swearing. I don’t remember how it went entirely but I remember the the important parts. So here it is:

It’s just a regular day on Sesame Street, little kids frolicking, whatever. Suddenly, an earthquake! A giant hole opens up in the earth with a large green light pouring out of it. Hundreds of undead ninja warriors climb out from the bowels of hell. “After 500 years we have been released from our prison. Today is brought to you by the letter M, for Mayhem,” the leader (let’s say Daniel) exclaims.

“What’s happening here?” asks Big Bird amidst the chaos.

“I am Daniel, leader of the Fire Mongooses, and I am here to take over your world,” says Daniel, leader of the Fire Mongooses. They talk until Big Bird convinces Daniel to let Sesame Street defend Earth in a kumite (a tournament where everybody fights to the death). Daniel gives Sesame Street 24 hours to prepare. They find out that the kerfuffle in the afterlife has also allowed Bruce Lee to escape. They ask Bruce Lee if he’ll train them. He agrees.

Cut to training. They’re not doing great. Bert and Ernie can’t take their eyes off each other, Grover’s just fumbling around, etc. So Bruce Lee teaches them to play to their strengths, montage-style. The last to spar are Snuffleupagus and Oscar the Grouch. Snuffleupagus is essentially a dream monster and Bruce Lee teaches him to use that. He enters Oscar’s mind and makes him think all the lights are off but then Oscar is like, “Oh, you think the darkness is your ally? But you merely adopted the dark. I was born in it, molded by it.” (Don’t worry, Christopher Nolan already sent me a thank you letter.) Oscar punches Snuffleupagus out of his mind.

Cut to the actual kumite. Sesame Street is winning. Daniel’s mad and next up is Elmo, so Daniel sends out the toughest guy (Craig?) he has. Elmo starts to lose, Craig gets cocky, but Elmo gets up. Craig is confused. He attacks Elmo again, but Elmo blocks all of his attacks. Then Elmo’s like “You’re in Elmo’s world now.” Craig gets frustrated and cheats. You see Katy Perry crying on the sidelines and they have to restrain her from running out (I might have just added that). Elmo starts laughing and rips open his chest velcro to reveal a grenade, and he’s like, “Tickle this you son of a –!” *Explosion*.

War breaks out; Cookie Monster eats cookies (obviously) and takes out like 50 of them, but then gets taken out in slow-mo. Crumbs everywhere. Big Bird eventually defeats Daniel, and with his dying breath he reveals the Count was the one who released them from their tomb. They confront Count and find him rekilling Bruce Lee, which causes him to gain Bruce’s power. Big Bird talks him down and finds that he just did all that because he was insecure and then they make him feel better right before they put him down like Lenny from Of Mice and Men.

That’s pretty much it; I hope you enjoyed it. I know at least one of the Baldwins is reading this, so let’s get it made, Hollywood.


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