George Washington – Where’d my weed go?
John Adams – How come no one liked me?
Thomas Jefferson – Why did everyone like me?
James Madison – Make sure they name a city after me.
James Monroe – I was a better James.
John Quincy Adams – How come no one liked my dad?
Andrew Jackson – Fucking Indians.
Martin Van Buren – I look like a clown.
William H. Harrison – No one will be surprised, I’m fucking old.
John Tyler – Andrew Jackson’s a fag.
James K. Polk – Killed a bunch of Mexicans, YOU’RE WELCOME!
Zachary Taylor – My tummy hurts. (In a little kid voice)
Millard Fillmore – I don’t even know who I am.
Franklin Pierce – Where’d my gin go?
James Buchanan – Glad I didn’t have to deal with that shit. (Civil War)
Abraham Lincoln – I can’t believe this bitch made me go to a play.
Andrew Johnson – Why didn’t they like me?
Ulysses S. Grant – I won that shit.
Rutherford B. Hayes – Look at my beard.
James A. Garfield – That motherfucker shot me.
Chester A. Arthur – Unknown.
Grover Cleveland – I wish I was dead.
Benjamin Harrison – Grandpa, better make room. I’m-a comin’.
William McKinley – I hope no one builds a statue of me in a place I’ve never been. That would be dumb.
Theodore Roosevelt – I’m gonna die like a bull moose.
William Howard Taft – Man, I’m fat.
Woodrow Wilson – It’s colder than my demeanor out here.
Warren G. Harding – Faster sweet cheeks, faster!
Calvin Coolidge – Can’t have Coolidge without Cool. Ha ha. Oh, who am I kidding?
Herbert Hoover – But I thought everyone liked camping.
Franklin D. Roosevelt – What a terrific headache.
Harry S. Truman – I meant to say “The Duck Stops Here.” I’m a failure.
Dwight D. Eisenhower – I won that shit!
John F. Kennedy – Who farted?
Lyndon B. Johnson – Yee Haw.
Richard Nixon – Ok, I was totally a crook.
Gerald Ford – Betty was better drunk.
Ronald Reagan – Well. This fucking sucks.